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“Don’t stop yourself from throwing a drink in his face.” I heard her laughter as she hung up on me before I could remind her that she was supposed to be Switzerland.
* * *
I gotto the restaurant early. I wanted to be in control of the situation. I didn’t want Tim picking a table or ordering me anything before I arrived. I needed to be in charge of this conversation—this goodbye.
He’d already tried to get me to meet him at one of our “favorite” places. But that was just not going to happen. I didn’t want to be somewhere familiar and comfortable with him. Not that anywhere would be comfortable right now. I was going out of my mind and just wanted this done and over.
I pulled out my phone. I still had a couple of minutes to spare. I sent the girls a message letting them know I was seated and waiting—impatiently.
Audrey: Don’t be stupid and fall for any of his bullshit lies or excuses!
She was always straight and no games.
Lauren: Don’t be a total bitch, but definitely be a bitch. LOL
She was the funny one.
Jenny: Be nice, but not too nice. You can forgive. But don’t ever forget! NEVER forget what he did!!! Remember . . . you want CLOSURE!!!!
She was the solid, sound voice of reason.
A text from Michael popped up.Hey! I hope everything went great today! Call me when you’re on your way back.
I felt a slight twinge of guilt that I hadn’t been upfront with Michael about my plans to meet up with Tim. I didn’t know if it was shame, embarrassment, or apprehension that kept me from saying something. I didn’t want him to know what an idiot I had been by giving Tim the money, and I didn’t want him to see my decision as a sign of weakness. I already felt stupid enough as it was. I didn’t need him making me feel worse. Best to keep everything to myself and go through with my plan. Once that was done, surely, I’d feel better about keeping him in the dark. At least about this one small detail.
I was a Nervous Nellie waiting for Tim. I knew he’d be right on time. That was one of his more annoying habits. He was a schedule keeper and follower. He was a planner—never spontaneous or adventurous. It killed him to be late to anything, and he knew it drove me crazy. But it was a quality I secretly admired. If you needed something, you could count on Tim. Well, unless that something wasto be faithful!
I froze when I saw him. Seeing him in the flesh gave me a shock I wasn’t expecting. Everything I felt that fateful day come rolling back to the surface. Anger. Nausea. Emptiness. Rage. Even sadness, which pissed me off. I felt like someone had sucker punched me.
He bent down and kissed my forehead when I didn’t stand. “Thank you for coming,” he said, more casually than he deserved to feel. I thought I was going to throw up.
The waitress came over, saving me from having to answer, and asked what he wanted to drink.
“Black coffee for now, please.”
She smiled awkwardly, obviously aware of the tension between us. It was palpable. He was rigid. I was avoiding eye contact.
“Siena?” My name as a question forced my eyes to his. He had dark circles under his eyes, looked tired and ragged. Still handsome, but it seemed he had aged since the last time I saw him. “I know how much you hate me, and I don’t blame you.” He reached for my hand. I grabbed my water, avoiding his touch. “Please. Say something.”
“You wanted to meet, not me.” I had a speech prepared, but now, looking him in the eyes, seeing his distress, and secretly reveling in it, I couldn’t say what I’d planned.
“Please talk to me.”
“You’re the one who had something to say. I came here for closure.”
“I don’t want closure, Siena. I don’t want to lose you.”
I was dumbfounded. “What the hell kind of thing is that to say? What does that even mean?” I was trying to keep my cool.Be Switzerland. Be Switzerland.But already, I could feel my blood pressure rising, my heart rate increasing, perspiration breaking out.
“I don’t want closure. Siena, I want another chance.”
“What?” I screeched. I took a breath, trying not to draw attention. I lowered my voice back to normal. “How the fuck can you even say that to me? How can you even ask something like that?”
“I can’t lose you, baby.”
“You already lost me, remember?” I made a bump gesture against my stomach. “And don’t call mebaby.”
“Please, baby—”
