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“Shemza is just saying that the others are about half a day behind. They should be here by the time it’s dark. We ran ahead in case you were hurt or scared. You said to Shemza you aren’t hurt, but are you scared? You don’t look scared.”
I think about my missing research team, the fact that I’m on an alien planet with my memories missing, just me and this little girl with three guys much bigger than me, the fifteen years I’ve been frozen. I should be afraid. I should be terrified.
But I’m not.
Maldek says he has been teaching you to use a spear and that you’re really good at it.
He didn’t talk shit about me. Didn’t lie.
That scares me, because I don’t know what to make of it. Because it makes my heart flutter erratically in my chest in a way that isn’t just about desire. But I’m not afraid.
“No, I’m not scared,” I tell Jassal.
“I didn’t think you were,” she says. Imperious little thing. I like her.
I glance up at Maldek again. I like him, too.
I get to my feet, curl a hand round his forearm. Not to get his attention, just because I want to. Immediately, his tail brushes against my leg, curling round my calf with a light touch of pressure. He’s never done that before, and I wonder if he’s been waiting for me to make the first move all this time.
* * *
Jassal wants to explore the Mercenia base and Shemza hasn’t seen it before either, so the two of them go to have a look around. I’m introduced to Karvin and Razhan, and then it’s just a waiting game for the rest of the travelling group to arrive. I feel a bit awkward and on the edge of things, unable to speak the language without Jassal to interpret.
We sit at the fire, and like I’ve opened a door between us that Maldek has no intention of shutting ever again, he touches me constantly. Not grabby, suggestive touches. His tail around my leg, a hand to the small of my back, a gentle brush of his fingers over the back of my hand. Almost as if he wants to reassure himself that I’m still there, not make some overture. There’s a possessiveness to it, but it doesn’t feel oppressive or constricting.
Memories surface through the fog - nights in seedy military tier bars, the middle tier visitors that used to come in. Military tier women were never more than a spectacle to those visitors. Some of my fellows didn’t care that they were the subject of a bet or an item to check off a bucket list. As long as they got theirs, it was fine. But I remember watching the way those guys would behave towards them, the proprietary arm round the shoulder, the hand wandering in a way that didn’t seem appropriate for a public place, and feeling objectified on their behalf. We were things to pick up and discard on a whim.
But even that was better than what we were to our fellow military tier men.
The drugs they take to… facilitate. You could take them too.
I shudder as the words rise in my mind again. Maldek must feel it, because he immediately breaks off his conversation and turns to me, a question in his expression. He mimes shivering, like there’s a chance I could be cold while sat next to a fire in a rainforest, and I almost laugh.
I tap my head and grimace. Understanding comes into his eyes, and he lifts a hand to my temple, running a gentle thumb over my brow. I hear Shemza’s name, and figure one of the others must be asking if they need to go and fetch him. Maldek shakes his head, and I wonder what he’s saying to them - whether he’s telling them about the gap in my mind, the fog in my brain.
That I don’t have any of the answers to the questions they’re planning to ask me.
Somehow, even more than the not knowing what happened to the research team, that thought suddenly bothers me. When I try to pin down why, all I can point to is a rising sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. The memory behind that sensation lurks just out of reach, but closer than it has been. Something I’m almost able to grasp.
An itch starts under my skin, a need to do something. I’ve always hated waiting, inaction. At least if I’m up and moving, it gives me an outlet for the fractious energy that’s suddenly coursing through me. I tap Maldek’s arm, then gesture to my dirty clothes and the Mercenia building, then mime getting a wash. I don’t know if my entire meaning translates, but he nods to me, then points to himself, gesturing that he will accompany me. I try to smile as I shake my head, gesture for him to stay by the fire with his friends. He doesn’t look entirely comfortable with the thought of leaving me alone, but he nods, brushing his fingers over my cheek one last time before unfurling his tail from around my leg and releasing me.
It’s strange how bereft I feel to lose that connection to him.
I head into the Mercenia base, down into the basement where the shower block is. I’m just about to head inside it when Shemza and Jassal appear from the cryostasis pod room. The little girl greets me with a beaming smile.
“Brooks!”
If she’s at all distressed by what she’s just seen, she doesn’t show it. Shemza, on the other hand, has a haunted look in his eyes and keeps glancing back in the direction of the pods.
“What are you doing?” Jassal asks.
“Getting a shower,” I tell her, indicating the shower room with my thumb.
She turns to speak to Shemza, then grins at me. “I’ll come with you!”
I’m about to protest, but she’s got such a bright smile on her face, I don’t want to do anything that might erase it.
“Uh, sure, you can guard the door for me. Make sure no raskarrans come for a peek.”
