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“What happened?” This time the question comes from me, my voice low and rough, filled with emotion.
“Don’t freak out,” is his reply, and I’m not sure if he’s talking to me or his mom, but it’s not helping.
“Troy?” Ellie’s all concern and confusion.
“I met…I met with Brandon.”
Rage envelops me, swallows me whole, my body temperature shooting up to unhealthy levels. “He did this to you?” I bite out.
“It was an accident. And the hand I did to myself.”
“Brandon did this?” I thought Ellie’s voice sounded small and confused before, but it’s even worse now.
I can’t stop moving, pacing the room while she sits on the bed and waits for Troy to continue.
“No, he didn’t do it. I was trying to keep him from leaving.” When neither Ellie nor I reply, needing more, he continues, “He called me to meet him. I thought it would be different. He said he was getting help. But he didn’t want to go into the restaurant. We sat in my car, and he…” Troy looks down. “He wanted money. A part of me knew that’s what it had to be, but I wanted to believe I was wrong. When I wouldn’t give it to him, he tried to get out, and I didn’t want to let him. It all happened so fast afterthat, it’s kind of a blur, but he accidentally kicked me in the head during the tussle. My hand…that was me. I was so frustrated, I punched a wall afterward like a fucking moron.”
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. Ellie’s crying harder now, trying to comfort Troy while I assume dealing with the fact that it was her oldest son who did this. All Troy wants is a relationship with his brother, and this is what happens? Troy, who has the biggest heart. Troy, who just wants to help. Troy, who is in a hospital bed because of it.
“Atlas?” Troy says, making my head snap up.
It’s killing me not to go to him, not to touch him and hold him and make sure everything is okay, but I don’t trust myself to get closer, afraid I’ll out us to Ellie, and I can’t do that without his permission.
“I’m okay,” I say, which is the most ridiculous thing. This moment isn’t about me. It’s about him.
Ellie is still visibly upset as she asks questions and tries to sort through exactly what happened. I can tell Troy is putting up a front, telling everyone he’s okay while trying to make Ellie feel better, and me feel better, and—“Where’s Glen?” I find myself asking. He couldn’t be here?
“I think he’s busy at work. I couldn’t get ahold of him after Troy called me. I left a message.” Ellie doesn’t make eye contact with either of us when she speaks.
“Mom…I’m really thirsty. Do you think you can ask the nurse if I can have something to drink and a snack? I was supposed to have dinner with Brandon, and obviously that didn’t happen.”
“Yes. Sure. Anything you need.”
Ellie kisses him on the cheek and leaves the room. The second she’s gone, I’m in her spot, hand on Troy’s nape, pressing our foreheads together. “I’m so sorry,” I say, over and over and over again.
“I should have known better. I shouldn’t have—”
“No,” I cut him off. “This is all on him. There’s no you-shouldn’t-have anything.Heshouldn’t have done this.”
“I know that. That even with this addiction, this disease, he’s responsible for his actions. There’s no magic thing I could have said or done to alter the way he reacted, but it doesn’t change that I wish there were.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, the words feeling empty.
Troy offers me a small smile. “Why do you have to be sorry? You’re always here,” he says softly. “Even when we didn’t get along well, even when you disagree with my decisions…you’re always here.”
“Not tonight.”
He shakes his head. “I didn’t tell you what I was doing. I think I understood even then that it was a mistake, but I wanted it to be different so badly… He’s not the brother I remember. Not anymore. He’s lost, and I can’t keep putting myself out there for him. I need to save myself for the people who care for me, who are there for me. Like you. I just wanted one more chance to try and reach Brandon. I’m glad I did, but when it didn’t work out, it was stupid to take out my frustration on a brick wall.”
“You think I don’t do moronic things? I’ve been losing my mind all day thinking you were going to leave me, that you were going to get tired of me, that I was making the same mistakes I’ve made in the past and…”
“I would never leave you. Jesus, Atlas. Do you really think that? You’re…fuck, you’reeverythingto me.”
The magnetic pull between us is too strong for me to hold back anymore. I lean in and press my mouth to his. There are a million things we need to talk about, things I need to work through, but right now? Right now I just need to taste him and remind myself that Troy is mine and he’s okay.
It’s not a fast kiss, not even one with tongue, just the two of us, our foreheads pressed together as our lips meet over and over and over in gentle kisses.
“Atlas! What the hell are you doing?” Glen’s voice breaks the heartfelt moment.
