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I try to focus, but for whatever reason, it’s not coming easily to me today. My mind keeps going back to how hard Troy worked to get close to Milo. How much of a natural he was, and the way he looked at me when I was teaching Milo…like he was proud of me. In awe of me. Like even though I’d gotten a whole lot of things wrong in my life, there were some things I got right, and maybe that was all that mattered to Troy.
I’m ridiculous.
This man has me so twisted up, and all I can do is hope I never get unraveled. Hope that the ropes just get tighter and tighter because it’s when I feel the most like myself.
Someone coughs, and I refocus on my professor for the rest of my class. When I’m done for the day, I get into my car, drive to the florist, and then I head to see Mom.
She’s buried in a beautiful spot, right on top of a small hill in the cemetery, close to one of the gardens. There’s a tree not far, so part of the day she gets the shade and the rest she gets the sunshine. Mom had always loved sunshine.
Madison Marie McCallister
It was a joke in the family that after she married Glen her initials wereMMM. We’d drag out the three letters—mmm, I like that.Mmm, that’s good.
I hate that Glen’s surname is on her headstone, but then the thought of it being something different from mine fills me with an ache I can’t shake. He doesn’t deserve for her to be a McCallister. She’d thought about changing her name after the divorce, but she’d looked at me, all sadness and love, and said,“You’re a McCallister, so I am too.”
I put the tulips on her grave.
“I brought your favorite,” I tell her, then sit on the grass beside her. She’d always loved tulips, and Glen would always gether lilies. Like, how hard was it to get her the kind of flowers she loved?
I’ve never understood how she’d gotten with him, how she’d stayed with him and why she had loved him, because the fact is, even though he’s an asshole, Mom had loved him. When everything about Glen came out, I asked her why she shed tears over him, why she still cared, and she said,“I don’t know how to turn off my heart. I never have. You’re a lot like me, but promise me you won’t let yourself get hurt. That you’ll only give your heart to someone who deserves it.”
I’d told her that would never happen. That I would never fall in love.
It had been a lie.
“I met someone,” I tell her, which is a ridiculous way to put it. Troy has been my stepbrother for years. We lived together. I didn’t just meet him. But while I’ve been drawn to him from the start, being with him in such a different way makes it feel like saying I met someone still works. “It’s Troy. It’s been hard because in a lot of ways, I feel guilty. Like I’m being disloyal to you by falling for the son of the woman Glen cheated on you with.”
My chest tightens with each word, feeling like rock after rock is getting stacked on my lungs, making it difficult to breathe.
Would she consider it a betrayal? Feel hurt? She would have the right to, but not her. That isn’t how she was built. Just like she would have wanted me to forgive Glen. She never would have held Glen and Ellie’s actions against Troy.
It hits me again, that she would have wanted me to forgive Glen. To make it work. To be a family. Family was everything to her, and I want to be everything she expected of me.
I shove thoughts of Glen out of my head. He’s not what’s important right now. I just want to share Troy with her. “I wish you’d gotten to know him. I know I used to tell you I hate him,but I never did. Even back then he intrigued me. You would have called it fate. I don’t know if I believe in all that, but it feels likesomething.” I smile, a tear trickling down my cheek.
“He went volunteering with me. He’s really good with the kids. I can’t believe I shared that with him, but it felt right. He’s a jock, and like, what even is that? How do I like a jock so much? But I do. He…he makes me laugh. You know how difficult that is. Makes me feel good to the point where I realize how bad it was before. Since I lost you…I’m not sure I’ve been happy one day, not until I started this up with Troy.”
“You love him,”I hear Mom’s voice in my head. And I do, there’s no denying that. The truth is, I don’t want to deny it.
I sit with Mom for a long time, telling her more about Troy and updating her on Activate Kindness, my classes, and even talk a little about Taylor and Brenner. She never got to meet them either, and I want to make sure she knows everything she can about my life.
I push to my feet, legs feeling stiff from sitting on the ground for so long. “I should go,” I tell her. “I’ll be back soon. I love you.” I kiss my fingers, then press them against the headstone.
I don’t know where I’m going until my car pulls up into the parking lot of Glen’s work. My gut sinks. I haven’t been here in a long-ass time, not in years, and I have no reason to be here now, but then I think about Mom…about how short life is and all the things she wanted for me, and I park and get out. Also, eventually, this thing with Troy will come out to our parents, and I want that to go as smoothly as possible. Making nice with Glen might help.
I head inside, take the elevator up, and head toward Sherry. She’s worked for Glen for years, my whole life, as far as I can remember. She always liked Mom. I remember her sending me a card to tell me how special she was when Mom passed.
“Hey, Ms. Sherry. Is, um…Glen here?” I can’t call him my dad, still don’t have the word in me. My feet itch with the need to run out of here, to turn around and pretend this moment didn’t happen, but my insides feel too raw after talking with Mom. I want to make her proud.
“Atlas! What a surprise! I haven’t seen you in so long.”
“Yes, ma’am. I’ve been busy.”
She asks about school, and I answer her questions before she says, “Your dad took the afternoon off today.”
I frown. “Oh. Okay.” Relief floods me. As hard as I try, I’m not as big of a person as Mom was.
“I can tell him tomorrow that you stopped by, though I assume you can just call him if you want.”
