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Although I’d come to terms and accepted the fact I found myself sexually attracted to a male, I disliked the continued unrest he caused me. Thoughts of him pushed me to set aside Katie and the loving marriage we’d had.
“Matteo?” Hanson broke the quietness.
I heaved a sigh and pushed to my feet. While he got to enjoy a break, I had another lecture to give.
“You could be open with the dean and explain the situation minus your moment of weakness. I’m sure she would have no issue with a request to have Sean’s schedule changed.”
I nodded as though assuring him I would consider the idea, but the thought of not seeing my obsession again, not having the radiance of his sunshine on my face twice a week sent an ache through my chest.
Somehow, I managed to keep my mind off my addiction throughout the remainder of the day.
Once enclosed in the privacy to my too-quiet home that night, I did my usual routine, putting my things away while seeing memories of Katie in every corner of the home we’d rehabbed and made our own.
The empty hangers in the coat closet that used to hold her outdoor clothing. The mat beneath where only my shoes now sat awaiting a run or work the next morning. The lack of a savory meal in the oven lovingly prepared by her soft hands. Her smile and soft kisses she offered when I’d returned home every evening.
I couldn’t imagine Sean being in our space no matter how hard I longed for his presence beside me. I also couldn’t help doing what I’d withheld from since the day I’d met Sean Fox.
I collapsed in my favorite recliner where I’d sat whenever Katie needed to kneel for me. Pushing aside lingering sadness over my loss and the too quiet living room, I logged into the first of two social media sites I used to browse years earlier. Over a dozen accounts came up at my search for his name, but the sixth profile pic revealed a grinning face I’d seen behind closed eyes too often and yet not enough.
His background image had recently been updated, showing him with five other guys, all dressed up and holding beers, arms slung around one another. The man beside him in the center wore a tux, a rose pinned to his lapel.
The picture was from a wedding, most likely.
A scroll through Sean’s feed revealed other images of get-togethers, plenty of beer bottles, and tagged friends—but nothing indicated he was in a relationship of any sort. He tended toward affectionate, though, hugging some and sitting on others’ laps. He smooched a guy’s cheek who pushed at him in one image.
Jealousy rushed through me, but I appreciated the guy had attempted to get away from Sean.
I read the name listed of the man…Micah Fox.
He was definitely a relative seeing as how they looked somewhat alike with their blond hair and blue eyes, similar smiles, and square jawlines.
I clicked on Micah’s name and scrolled through his profile that hadn’t been updated in a couple of years beyond a single picture. He’d married and had posted a family photo. Sean stood on his right along with whom I assumed were their parents and Micah’s bride.
Once back on Sean’s profile, I didn’t find anything surprising. He enjoyed partying, mostly with men. He was out and proud, loud too from some of the videos he’d been tagged in from earlier in his twenties.
His active Instagram account included updates on college he obviously felt proud of himself for attempting to tackle, almost daily postings of him in the gym up through the beginning of school, and a dozen images from that wedding earlier in August. Summer adventures he bragged about included a trip to some tropical island, deep sea fishing, and mountain biking up in the White Mountains. I’d never done the first two, but the final used to be a favorite outing for Katie and I. I considered my bike that sat in the basement collecting dust, but the depressing thought diminished at the next image.
Sean dressed up in a black on black tux and heading to “work” he’d said.
My cock perked up as I imagined peeling the clothing off him one item at a time. Unwrapping him would be the perfect Christmas present.
But what sort of job required putting on such tailored to fit clothing? The fine tux molded to his body hadn’t come from a corner rental shop.
Diving deeper down the rabbit hole didn’t reveal how Sean filled his bank account, but the boy definitely had money, as did his brother.
Their mother was on social media but rarely posted. Enough though to let me know their father was a blue-collar worker rather than the type of parent who could afford to spoil Sean with the Ray-Bans or fancy watches he wore in every picture.
And Sean’s swanky condo on Boston Harbor he called home sweet home after closing on the place the year before? The boy made bank somehow.
Maybe an inheritance, I mused, or a lucky investment.
Heaving a heavy exhale, I shut down my phone and rubbed my eyes. What did it matter who Sean was outside a sexual being, a flirt I couldn’t rid my mind of? What drove my curiosity about him and his life?
Maybe I ought to download one of those dating apps my sister had suggested last time she’d visited with her daughter. Perhaps I needed to do what Katie told me to and find someone to help me learn how to smile again. I could look for something casual to help me break through the restrictions I’d placed on myself.
I didn’t believe in any afterlife that would allow me to hurt Katie’s feelings, so why did the idea of being intimate with a female other than my wife make me sick? Why did my insides clench up and threaten to hurl at the mere thought of another woman’s flesh beneath my hands and mouth? Why did I glance around our home, imagining her in Katie’s place and shudder with vile revulsion?
The idea of Sean in my space, however, didn’t cause my body to react in the same way.
