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I recoiled. Thelma came off as perpetually cranky, but I rarely heard her lose her temper.
“You’ve held on to the thought of leaving like it was a rope and you were hanging out a helicopter. There was no other option but to leave.” She rubbed at her temple. “I blame your mother. God help me, I’ve kept it to myself all these years, but I can’t watch you make the same mistakes.”
“What mistakes?”
“Leaving when you’re only upset. Leaving when you’re uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong, I love your mother, but I don’t think Lana should’ve settled. And a few of the men she picked were doozies. But she left a lot of relationships out of fear—and it wasn’t for personal safety. She was afraid to trust that a decent man wouldn’t leave her like your father did. Like her father left her. She was scared she couldn’t take care of you on her own if she got her heart broken. I thought you were strong, but I’ve only seen a similar pattern.”
“I’m not like Mom,” I said hotly. Immediate guilt welled inside my stomach. “I’ve been careful about the men I associate with.”
“Have you? Or have you self-fulfilled a prophecy? Is your need to make Frederick pay because he has so much of your money, the fight would be financially worth it? Or because you’re using it as an excuse and tying the reason to your mom in order to justify not staying?” She stabbed her finger in the direction of Cody’s house. “You’re like the kid I remember when you’re with him. You’re not afraid to make friends. You’re doing what you love even while you’re doing what you have to. It’s been less than two months, and yet you’re not the same girl I picked up from the airport.”
What she said sank into me one sentence at a time. “I never planned to stay.”
She threw up her hands. “You don’t ever plan to stay. You work out a getaway plan with me for each date. I swear, when you told me what you were doing with that slick bastard Frederick, I thought you were looking for a reason to be a victim.”
I gasped, scandalized. I opened my mouth to demand not to be blamed, but she stuck her palm out.
“No, Tova. I’m not saying it’s your fault, but you knew better. You even said it. It was like you had to prove that you’re alone in the world and people are out to get you.”
My teeth clicked when I shut my gaping mouth. Hot tears pricked my eyes. “So, what? I stay? And live happily ever after while teaching a few kids dance every week and living off my rich, handsome husband?” That should have sounded worse than it did.
“No. I’m saying you should do what really makes you happy and maybe accept some help. You don’t want to feel obligated toward Milk Daddy, then let me help. We’ll get Lana settled, and you’ll open that dance studio.”
“With what money?”
“With the money you make,” she said, exasperated. “You’ve been in business too long to play clueless. Quit it.”
I winced. Thelma never spoke to me like that. My brain slowed and switched the lens I looked at life with. I thought about when I first met Cody, how uptight he was. Then the first time we danced. Seeing how much he loved and worked hard for his family. And finally, the pride and excitement and even fear on his face when he showed me his future home.
He was brave enough to change.
But he had the resources.
I met Thelma’s hard but caring gaze. Her mouth was set in a flat line, sick of my shit.
Maybe I was a little sick of my shit too.
He had the resources, and I could, too, if I got over myself. Trusting Cody had been easier when I thought we were temporary, when I had the safety net of an end date. Then he turned my assumptions upside down and made a decision that yanked away my net. He’d asked me to stay. I’d have to trust I was more than a rebound. I’d have to be confident I was more than a woman he had access to. Beyond Cody, I’d have to have faith in myself.
And I was halfway out the door.
Tears tracked down my face. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Ah, honey. None of us do. But you’ve gotta let someone in. Trust yourself to know when it’s the right person.”
I did know. That was why I was trying so hard to leave.
Nineteen
Cody
I woke before everyone, which was easy enough when I couldn’t quit replaying last night’s conversation. I’d gotten a restless, frustrated night of sleep. Could I have done more? Said something different? In the end, I made the offer, and she rejected me. She came to Crocus Valley with her own life and her own goals, and ultimately, I wanted to support her. She wouldn’t let me, but that was her choice too.
The start of the morning was the same as the others, but I was different, and the rest of the day would differ too. When Meg was sick, she had preferred the world kept turning and took the drama with it. The day she died was another workday as far as she was concerned. She’d been out of it long before that, but I kept up the show for her. Wore my work clothes like I was going to the office instead of her deathbed. Pretended everything was normal. Never let the act drop.
The problem was that I kept it up for way too long after.
Time to remedy that.
