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“It’s early,” I groaned as the sleepy haze wore off. It’d been a while since I’d been so stiff. I was used to my burlesque routine. I wasn’t used to swing dancing and two-stepping for hours and then coming back to have another few hours of sex.
Cody was insatiable. I loved every minute of it and the industrial-sized box of condoms he’d bought.
“Sorry, I forgot to change it since I don’t have to get the kids ready and feed them breakfast.” Cody nibbled along my ear.
Just like that, heat kindled between my legs. I squirmed and was prodded in the behind by an impressive erection.
“’S okay.” I didn’t want to sleep the morning away. I didn’t know if I’d get many mornings like this.
We were running out of time.
The thought was a cold splash of water dousing my desire.
“What’s wrong?”
How could he tell? He couldn’t see my expression. Was his dick a mood ring? I went cold and set off an alarm. “I’m getting in my head, that’s all.”
The muscles in his arm flexed. “Want to talk about it?”
I wanted to talk about all of it, which was the problem. I had already told him about Frederick. I wanted to spill my guts about Mom just to have one more person in my life to help with the burden, and god, didn’t thinking about her like she was a problem make me feel like a total dick? More than anything, I wanted to vomit my fears about leaving Crocus Valley and have him tell me it was fine, somehow there was a future beyond the end of July that included both of us. That he would stay in this old farmhouse that wasn’t his and didn’t hold the memories he’d locked out when I met him. I wanted him to tell me there was a place I could rent and teach dance classes and I wouldn’t get called a hussy in online reviews for doing burlesque and I would find a job that would pay me enough to afford rent. All in Crocus Valley.
It was a lot.
A lot for me to deal with, and a lot to dump on him.
The pressure built in my chest. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about my worries. I couldn’t dump them on Thelma. Aggie, Sutton, and Vienne were barely more than acquaintances, no matter how much I could see us all hanging out as friends. And I was still living out of a suitcase and sleeping on a couch.
I had to release the valve. Just a little. Or a lot. “I hate myself for letting Frederick know how much I need to take care of my mom.”
He went quiet. Several moments went by. “Are you scared to tell me about her?”
“Yes,” I whispered and sniffled. A single tear rolled out and slid the short distance onto the pillow. “She was afraid to be on her own, but she had the worst taste in men. The bar was on the floor. Her last boyfriend was abusive.”
“The dog food guy?”
“Dog Food Guy was two before her last boyfriend.” I clung to his arm around me like it was a life preserver. “I thought she was finally leaving, but she brought me to my grandma’s in Yorba Linda to stay with her and Thelma. I thought it was temporary, but then we got the call. Mom was in the hospital. The old excuse that she fell down the stairs was obviously a lie.” The back of my neck flushed hot, and the strength of my tears pressing against the backs of my eyes was almost as strong as when I’d been younger.
“He put her there?”
Another hot tear eked out. “Yes. She left me with Grandma until graduation, and she stayed with that guy. He kept abusing her. She wouldn’t admit it, but we knew. Grandma tried to help. I tried to talk Mom into moving in with me when I was twenty, but she stayed. She landed in the hospital again. Head trauma.”
“Fuck.”
“We tried to get her to leave, but she went back.” His hold on my body was my anchor. I had to finish the story. I had to let someone in, and dammit, I trusted Cody. “While she was rehabbing, she had a stroke. He didn’t take her to the hospital right away. Thought she was messing around.”
“Aw, Tova. I’m so damn sorry.” He buried his nose in my neck. I continued to grip him. The story was spilling out. Cody had no financial control over me. He wasn’t Frederick. I was safe with him.
Tense energy leaked out of me.
I did feel safe with Cody. My heart might be hanging out on a clothesline, but I was safe with him. He might hurt me, but only because he wouldn’t change his life for me, and I couldn’t hold that against him. He was doing what he thought was right for his kids. I didn’t agree, but when it came to us, I trusted him.
The rest of the story gathered on my tongue to be told. “Grandma, Thelma, and I took care of her as much as possible. Between her injury and the stroke, she lost a lot of verbal communication and fine motor skills. She can walk with help, but her right side is weak. She needed a lot of therapy, and she still needs routine treatment, but she can’t take care of herself. Then Grandma died. Funding and disability and who covers what and how much—it’s a nightmare. A confusing mess that somehow still leaves thousands owed per month. Grandma did what she could, and I picked up extra work. It was easier when I wasn’t alone.” I drew in a ragged breath. When I returned to California, I’d be alone again.
“Then you lost your grandma, and Thelma moved?”
I nodded. “After Grandma died, the cost of living in California was too high for Thelma, but I think the memories of Grandma were too hard for her anyway.”
“And Frederick got to you when you were the most stressed, like an absolute fucking predator.”
