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I’d neglected that side of her. Hell, I’d neglected every side of her. Had she grown bored with our routine? Did she want more out of life after having lived a year not under my rules?
There was so much I needed to know. Would she be open to exploring a new contract like the one Grant was describing? One that would grow and change every few months.
“Bumps in the road happen in every relationship. How you handle those obstacles is what sustains or destroys what you’ve built with each other.”
His words solidified my thoughts. The bump we had hit was more the size of a mountain but I was determined to try. Our first contract had been too clinical. I’d approached it the same way I’d climbed the corporate ladder, each item on my list became something to do and conquer so I could check it off like a balance scale. River deserved so much more than to be a checkmark.
Grant wrapped up his lecture and Andy tapped my hand. “Want to grab some lunch?”
“I’ve got plans with River in a bit. I’m going to stay here for a few more minutes and talk to Grant. I’ll catch up with you later.”
“Okay. Guess I’ll just go amuse myself.”
I would have felt guilty if not for the fact that I was sure he had set me up. He only had himself to blame if he was bored. I waited for everyone else to clear out before I approached Grant.
“What can I do for you, Cade?”
I’d never been a subtle man so I hoped Grant wouldn’t take offense at my bluntness. “Your lecture was fascinating. I found it helpful but couldn’t help but wonder if it was a bit too on the nose. You said you are a psychologist. Has River spoken to you and that’s why you chose this topic?”
Grant’s friendly expression became stern. “If you want to know if River has spoken to anyone in a professional sense, you would have to ask her. It would be completely unprofessional to do something like what you are suggesting.”
Great, I’d managed to turn one of the few friendly people here against me. “I apologize. River and I had a Master/slave relationship that didn’t end well. You can’t blame me for thinking this lecture was directed to me.”
Grant sighed. “Yes, I can understand. Full disclosure, I was scheduled to do a lecture on the different types of dynamics within BDSM, but last night Derek called and asked me to focus on TPE.” He shrugged. “He often suggests topics based on the guests and who will be attending, so I didn’t really think about how it might look.”
I wasn’t sure if I should yell at Derek for interfering or thank him. “Understood. You made a lot of good points and made me realize some mistakes. Truth is, I still love her but have no idea how to move forward. I’m afraid of making the same mistakes and hurting her again.”
Grant nodded his head. “Life is never perfect. Unless you are extraordinarily lucky, the reality is that you will hurt her again, and she will hurt you.”
That hadn’t been the answer I’d been expecting.
“What you want to focus on, Cade, is what happens when that hurt occurs. Do you walk and leave her floundering? Do you punish her without listening, or, would you give each other a time out to think things through and then as a couple, discuss what happened and who fell short?”
Damn the man was talented, cutting right to the quick. I’d been guilty of doing exactly that. There were plenty of excuses I could try and hide behind, but the simple fact was they were just that, excuses. “I need to make her my only focus.”
“Okay, let me stop you there,” Grant interrupted. “There are times when careers, schooling, family or other things in life need attention and time. It’s when we focus on only one thing that it becomes unhealthy.”
“I guess.” Though how did that apply to my situation?
“If River had wanted a high pressure career, how would that have changed things in your dynamic?”
“I’m not sure what you’re getting at,” I confessed.
“If River had approached you to say she needed to be selfish for a few weeks because she had a very important project due or a contract that needed more attention, what would your response have been?”
“Easy. We would have sat down and worked out a schedule that was time sensitive. And if that failed, then we would have had another discussion on how to make things work.”
Grant smiled. “So you would have provided whatever she needed to be able to get the job done and still successfully maintain your dynamic.”
“Yes. I would have.” I was starting to see where he was going with his point.
“It’s not about being someone’s sole focus. It’s about prioritizing and communication. If you love someone, the health and stability of your relationship should be your highest priority. In order to do that, you have to communicate and balance both of your needs. Only when you are both happy can the relationship thrive.”
Like light breaking through the clouds, so many things started to become clear.
“Obviously, I don’t know you well, but you seem like an intelligent man, and I hope you understand what I’m saying. Don’t get caught up in the past and instead focus on learning from your mistakes. River wanted you, and clearly Master Derek has seen that as well or he wouldn’t be interfering. If you have a chance to make things right, I suggest you take it.”
“Thank you. I think I will.”
