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That ache inside of me, the one that always rears its head when I see happy families together in public, hits me as I rush down the stairs to get my luggage.
I always figured I’d be a mom by now. Marriage and kids were always in my plans. Even in college, I pictured myself standing in sunlight streaming into a brightly painted nursery, with my child on my hip, as I flipped through fabric samples for some rich Texas newlywed who had finally been given the go-ahead to add her personal touches to the new home her husband just bought for her.
Somehow that dream changed over the years, and it’s just one more thing that Sam ruined for me.
His manipulation wasn’t as obvious back then as it is now, but he twisted those hopes and dreams until he was able to convince me that it was ridiculous and misogynistic. Working from home while raising children was a way for a man to control me, and it would be impossible. Having an office, and a job that tookme out of the home, was empowering. Wanting to get married and have kids isn’t a goal. It was a life sentence of servitude.
Everything that I wanted growing up, because I saw how happy some of the people in Lindell were when they did exactly what I wanted, was crazy.
It was indoctrination.
It was cultish and a form of manipulation.
He had me convinced that the women who smiled while at the park with their kids or on a walk with the family dog did so in public but cried in private. They were miserable and unhappy with their lives.
I should’ve known better because I never once caught my mother crying except when Memaw passed away. I grew up knowing her smiles were genuine, and her laughter was real and came from a place of happiness.
I knew I wanted more, but I also knew I wanted that as well. I just didn’t want it in Lindell. I wanted brightly lit stores and an internet connection that didn’t fritz every time a storm rolled through town. I wanted a loving husband, a job, children, and more than just two movies to choose from down at the drive-in theater.
His deceit and manipulation dug inside of me deep. It took years for me to change how I saw the world because my foundation was so strong, but eventually it happened.
It all snapped back into place the second the wool was pulled from my eyes.
I take the stairs to the left instead of the right where Chase led us earlier and push my way into the first bedroom I come across, figuring if there’s furniture in here, he had to have anticipated this one being mine.
My chest is heaving, not-so-old wounds making my eyes sting as I press my back to the closed bedroom door.
I don’t know how long Sam’s treachery will make me ache in my chest, but I know for certain that I’ll never be able to trust another man for as long as I live.
Chapter 9
Chase
She was with the boys for less than an hour and I saw more smiles on their faces than I can recall them ever having with Emily. How sad is it that the boys don’t smile when they’re around their mother? As screwed up as it is that I’ve moved them from Detroit to Texas, it’s even more messed up that she hasn’t once called and asked about them in the nearly three weeks we’ve been here. She’s called three times, asking for money, but hasn’t mentioned the boys once.
“We have an early morning,” I remind the boys as I close the book they picked for their nighttime story. “Don’t stay up in here chatting away.”
They look at each other, and I swear the two of them have full conversations with only a few glances.
“Love the both of you,” I tell them after bending over and pressing a kiss to the top of each of their heads.
The night-lights on the far wall illuminate the room slightly when I turn off the overhead light, but I leave the door cracked just in case they need me and call out in the middle of the night.
I turn to my bedroom, but remember that I didn’t explain all the things I needed to explain to Madison. She said see you Tuesday before walking away. I told her that would be her schedule, but this coming week is going to be a little different. I actually need her to work tomorrow, but I was distracted at the sight of her walking away, and honestly a little floored at the change of my pulse when she’s around.
I head to the other side of the house, having prepped a bedroom for her on this side both for privacy and because it was just in both our best interests if there was a little physical distance between us after I caught myself drooling over her use of foul language. In the time between her leaving The Brew and Chew and arriving here, I’d managed to convince myself I had no business wanting to hear her use such language while she was splayed out on my bed, naked and begging for more.
I stop in my tracks, a punishing grip on the banister as I’m hit with yet another wave of desire for the woman.
I close my eyes and take several deep breaths, refusing to be that creepy guy who stares inappropriately at the woman who has been hired to do nothing more than take care of his kids. Regaining control takes more time than it ever should, and that should be my first sign that this is probably the worst idea ever, but I shove it down. Women have been throwing themselves at me for years. Yeah, it had more to do with stardom than anything else, but this situation is nothing like the ones I’ve faced in the past.
Madison Kelly would rather walk away than offer me a glass of water if I burst into flames. Hell, from some of the looks I got earlier, she’d likely pull out marshmallows and make smores if given the chance.
It’s a nonissue, and if I can control myself, then I think this might work out. The boys seem infatuated with her already, even after the very limited time they spent with her. I thought Cole was going to cry when I told him no that she couldn’t read them their bedtime story. That expectant part of me that has been catered to for so long almost reared its ugly head because of the disappointment that settled inside of me that he preferred her tonight over me.
The door to the bedroom I picked for her is closed, telling me she found it on her own. All other doors in the hallway are open because, honestly, the house was on the musty side when we moved in from having been closed up for so long.
I knock on the door twice and get no answer. I won’t open her door and invade her privacy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t imagine myself doing just that and finding her naked on the bed, as I turn around and descend the stairs.
