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I stuck around Tuesday and Wednesday for dinner, but his attention was a hundred percent on the boys. He’d divert their energy anytime they spoke to me or asked something of me. Two evenings of being told indirectly that my job was over for the day was enough, so I just walked away the rest of the week. My self-esteem has taken enough hits to last me a lifetime. I don’t need it battered further.
It would be ten times better if I wasn’t still attracted to the man. His lack of attention has the power to hurt my feelings, and that’s the biggest warning sign of all.
Maybe he noticed the way my eyes tracked him during the day. Maybe I slipped up and said something in the throes of passion that I shouldn’t have.These are all things I’ve wondered over the last week, but then I realized I’m torturing myself for nothing.
The old me always internalized those issues. I learned to blame myself. If something was wrong, it was because I made it that way.
I straighten my spine, resolved to just get over it. He gave me exactly what we agreed on, but now that the great sex is over, I need to move on.
It’s not on him that I couldn’t keep my end of the bargain up. He isn’t responsible for my poor planning. Blaming him would be akin to when Sam blamed me for everything that went wrong in his day.
“You just made your mind up about something,” Adalynn says. “You want to talk about it?”
“Quit paying so close attention to me,” I mumble.
“It has nothing to do with Chase?”
“Didn’t you just hint that it was rude to ask people about their personal lives?” I challenge. “There’s nothing going on between Chase and me.”
“So it doesn’t bother you that he just walked in?”
My first instinct is to whip my head around, but doing so would prove her point.
“Not at all,” I say, lifting my glass to my mouth.
“What if he showed up with that Hailey girl he has working down at the store with him?”
“What?” I do exactly what she expected, twirling around so fast toward the door that my drink sloshes over my hand.
My heart thunders in my chest at the sight of him.
Laughter fills my ears, my friend finding my reaction comical.
“He came in alone,” she says, putting me out of my misery when I keep looking around to find Hailey when I don’t see her near him.
As if he can sense us watching him, his eyes lift in our direction.
I can’t quite tell if it’s purposeful. Anyone who frequents this bar knows exactly where to find Adalynn when Cash is on shift. Him looking this way means he expected to see someone here.
My heart kicks in my chest at his attention, but I do my best not to overthink it.
He feels like a problem, like a habit I have no chance of kicking. It’s reminiscent of that time I tried to stop drinking sodas. It lasted all of three days until the headaches and temptation were just too much and I caved.
As he licks his lower lip and begins walking this way, I know this is exactly the same. If he asks, I’ll jump right back into whatever it was.
“Hey there!” Adalynn says with a much-too-jovial tone.
“Adalynn,” he says, dipping his head in hello, but then his attention is on me. “Dance with me.”
I don’t know how I stay seated, but I listen to the pounding in my chest.
The dance floor isn’t safe for me. He isn’t safe for me, and I don’t mean in a way that will leave me physically hurt. I have no doubt the man would be chivalrous because he was raised to respond that way. My heart isn’t safe with him. As I look down at his hand, I recall the last time he asked me to dance and exactly where that led the two of us.
Him standing in front of me makes me think I can keep my emotions out of it this time, but isn’t that the exact same reasoning addicts use when deciding to use a different drug than the one they know they need to quit?
It feels irresponsible to compare my current situation to the struggle those with addictions face, but Chase Woodson is just as capable of ruining my life. The fallout from this could be just as soul crushing.
Even with all of that reasoning, even with knowing this will leave me broken, I still drop my hand into his and allow him to pull me out onto the dance floor.
