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The way he held me at night after we had sex somehow put me into this false sense of security. I decorated his home the way I would love to have mine some day and maybe that was just one more mistake. I let myself get lost in the fantasy that this place was mine, that those boys were mine. Losing them hurts the most.
I clear my throat, a very weak attempt to shove all that emotion down. It’s not supposed to be personal. I’m not supposed to be sad. I’m not supposed to feel a loss.
“I’m taking them to my dad’s,” Chase says near the front door as Cale and Cole pull on their shoes. “We’ll talk when I get back.”
I nod at him, trying to do the math in my head as to whether I could have a good hard cry in the shower and if my face will still be red and blotchy by the time he gets back. He doesn’t deserve to know just how much he affects me.
“Okay,” I tell him, the word coming out on a croak that betrays the emotions I’m trying to hide. “Have fun at your papaw’s house, boys.”
Cole finishes getting his shoes on first, and bless his sweet little heart when he turns to run in my direction.
I crouch low, the towel wrapped around me nearly making me topple with its lack of stretch.
“I’ll miss you,” he tells me, wrapping his little arms around me.
He has no clue that he’s telling me goodbye for good. I can tell by the gentle smile on his face that he’s working under the assumption that I’ll be right here when he comes back home.
Cale runs up next, waiting patiently for Cole to step out of the way to give me a hug as well.
I can’t stop the tears that start to roll downmy cheeks.
“Be good for Papaw,” I tell them, but they’re already excited and running toward the front door.
I chance a look in Chase’s direction, and he looks less than impressed with my inability to control my emotions. His angry eyes stare back at me as if he’s even more pissed that I have the nerve to be upset. There’s no compassion in his eyes, and I’ve seen that look. It’s the same one he gave Emily in the attorney’s office when he was told it was best not to fight his ex when she requested time with the boys.
He doesn’t say a word before turning around and walking out the front door.
The sobs are pulling my breath from my lungs long before I make it up the stairs and to my room. I can barely see to turn on the shower through my tears. I fight that part of me that wants to think of ways to beg him to let me stay. I want to have a little more pride than I actually feel, but I’m not above begging to stay in the boys’ lives.
By the time I’ve climbed out, dried off, and dressed, I’ve decided that begging may be the way to go. Chase doesn’t have anyone else in town to help with the kids, and his number one priority has always been Cole and Cale. Maybe if I assure him that I won’t even look in his direction, he’ll allow me to stay.
As I make my way to the sofa to wait for him, I grow even more ashamed for what I’ve done. How I thought I could position myself in this man’s life and come out victorious is beyond me. It’s been a series of mistakes from day one. Had I been able to maintain that ire and irritation I felt bone deep from day one, maybe there would be a different outcome. But I caved just like I’m sure every woman in his life has. The game is no longer fun when his object of focus is complacent, when he’s broken down her walls and taken all the fight out of her.
The sun sets without him returning, and despite the warmth in the house, goosebumps form along my arms.
I sit on the couch in the silence, waiting for his headlights to flash across the front of the house, telling me that he pulled into the driveway, but it grows close to midnight, and he still hasn’t returned.
Cold dread settles inside of me, my hands shaking as I pick up my phone and dial Adalynn’s number.
Her voice is full of sleep when she answers.
“Hello? Madison? What’s wrong?”
“Chase left with the boys and hasn’t come back,” I tell her. “I think something bad happened.”
“Cash would call me if something bad happened,” she says over the rustle of her blankets.
“Did he work tonight?”
“No, he was at my dad’s house with me for dinner, but he’s the chief of the department. If something happened, he’d know.”
“Okay.”
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but he might be ignoring you.”
That stings more than it should although it’s something I also considered before my head took things to a dark place.
My phone beeps, indicating another call coming in.
