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“And I just don’t know if I’m right for you,” he continues. “I’ve never been able to fully let another person in. I’ve never been close to anyone. There’s always been this sense of distance, as if a part of me is missing. I have no idea why. Maybe it has something to do with my parents being murdered and losing them so young. My adoptive father tried to be there for me, but even with him there’s this distance. But he knows me and accepts it. Maybe some things are so horrible that they leave scars that never fully heal.”
“What are you talking about? I know who you are, and I don’t care if you never wanted to be with anyone before me. All that matters to me is that you care about me.”
“And I do,” he whispers. The pain in his voice is unmistakable.
“What is this then?” I ask quietly, fearing the answer. “Are you breaking up with me?”
He looks at me, and part of me hopes he won’t answer that. But then he says, “I can’t, even if maybe it would be better for you if I did.”
“I won’t let you do that. We’ve been running from our feelings for so long, hiding behind excuses for why we shouldn’t give it a chance. The truth is, we were probably both scared. But I don’t want to run anymore, and I don’t want you to either, you got that? I’m strong, and I can handle it if you wind up hurting me, and chances are something will happen that hurts you too. That’s how relationships are. But we’re not giving up, okay?”
I look into his eyes and see him wrestling internally with himself.
“You’re not responsible for me,” I continue. “I decide who Iwant to be with. Even if you think I have no idea what I’m walking into, it’s my choice. So don’t decide for me. There’s nothing I want more than to be with you.” My fingers touch his temples, trace his cheekbones, his chin, and find their way to his beautiful lips. “You mean everything to me. So don’t give up on me.”
His burning gaze stokes the embers in me. At the same time, I’m afraid to hear his decision. It’s clear to me that we don’t have an easy road ahead of us. But I’m going to walk it, even if it continues to throw obstacles.
Finally, Ayden bends down and whispers, “I can’t let you go now.” With that, he kisses me, and all my emotions crash over me in a single wave. The fear mingles with the anger and sadness, combines with our trust in each other, collides with my crazy desire for him, my lust, my longing, my faith. And finally, all these feelings merge and forge ahead in these kisses that no words in the world can describe.
We lie awake half the night, and I nestle against Ayden’s firm chest, running my fingers over his naked skin. I still get the sense that his doubts aren’t completely dispelled, but it helps to know that he believes in us. We talk a lot, and I’m able to organize my chaotic thoughts a little.
“The fact that your father can’t stand me doesn’t exactly make things easier,” I say.
“Believe me, he has nothing against you. He was just trying talk sense into me.”
That’s not how it sounded to me.
Ayden smiles when he sees my expression and caresses my cheek. “I’ll talk to him again, I promise.” He seals my lips with a kiss, quashing my anxiety, at least for a while.
“Do you have any memories of your parents?” I ask. It’s a painful topic for him, but I want to know more about him.
He shakes his head. “No I was only a few weeks old when they died.”
“They were killed in a Noctu attack?”
“My father was out on a deployment with a few other hunters. My mother was at home with me. The hunters managed to take out most of the attackers, but one got away. They assume my father was followed. Anyway, they were attacked in their home the same night. Several Noctu broke in and surprised my parents while they slept and killed them. I don’t know why they left me alive. The hunters figure they may have overlooked me or were interrupted. Anyway, the neighbors alerted the police after they heard me crying and rang the doorbell several times. My adoptive father was a close friend of my parents. He fought for me to remain in the custody of the hunters. It was mostly him who cared for me, so it made sense to him to take me in and adopt me at some point.”
“That can’t have been easy.” I try to imagine what that would mean for a child.
Ayden shrugs. “He is the only father I’ve ever had. He’s all I know, and we have a good understanding.”
“Do you have photos of your parents?”
“Just one. It’s all I have left of them.”
At least now I understand why he despises the Noctu so much. They killed his family. And over the years, he’s seen other hunters and friends lose their lives in fights against them. I swallow hard and decide that this is not the right time to tell him about Noah. I look into his wonderful green eyes, shining as brightly as the starry sky. No, not now, I think. Right now I just want to be with him and be here for him. I arch toward him, caress his face, and gently kiss his lips.
Chapter 28
I’m struggling to hide my apprehension. My thoughts keep drifting to the evening ahead. As promised, Ayden spoke to his father, who invited us both to dinner in his apartment. Since Ayden seems serious about this, he’d like to get to know me better – so he says. I don’t know what to think about that, and I have a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. On one hand, I want to try and establish a good relationship with Mr. Collins. But I’m afraid that he may know about my contact with Noah. So what’s he really hoping to achieve with this dinner? I guess I’ll find out, for better or worse.
“These pants make me look like I’m about to go hay baling,” Alex says, looking at herself in the mirror. She’s wearing a pair of dungarees that make her thighs look big and completely hide her waistline.
“All you need is a piece of straw in the corner of your mouth and a checked shirt, and I’d say, ‘Start the tractor!’” I comment.
Kate, Alex, Chrissy, and I are shopping together. Max still hasn’t shown up, and I check my phone again.
“Maybe I should call her and find out what’s up,” I say. I’m about to select her number when an SMS comes in.
