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Val
I stand at the back door of the house, hesitating with the keys in my hand. I finally place them in the door and turn them, then turn the doorknob and push the door open. I open it completely and walk inside to find the living room is abandoned. The lights are turned off, and no one is in sight. I take off my shoes and jacket, hanging my jacket on the row of hangers. I place my shoes on the white metal rack, in the middle of the top row, then turn around to walk to my room. Just as I reach it, the lights flick on, revealing my mom standing right next to the light switch.
“Hey,” she begins. My throat feels clogged when I try to answer. Say something.
“Hey.” I reply. She leans her head against the doorframe, analyzing me.
“You look like you need a hug,” she points out. My heart beats in my chest, and I feel everything begin to rise inside me. I walk slowly toward her, before increasing the speed of my feet,almost running to her. I wrap my hands around her tightly, resting my chin on her shoulder. She accepts it. She accepts me. I stay there, in the warmth of her comfort, trying to avoid all thoughts coming to my head.
“What happened? You dropped off Ellie and left, I was worried,” she asks in a low tone. I leave the question unanswered for the first minute, letting myself fall into her hug. But then I feel it again, the need to depend on her completely. I won’t let myself do that. Not with this. I won’t let my mind win this time.
“I went to talk to Lorenzo,” I vaguely reply.
“What about?” she questions, even though I know she’s figured it out already in some way. My eyes begin to burn. No. No, don’t do this.
“Ellie told me. She’d been eavesdropping on you guys and she thought I knew,” I tell her, confirming her theory. The grip around me tightens.
“I’m sorry. He said he didn’t want to say, it wasn’t something I could tell you,” she whispers. She pulls away to face me, keeping both my hands in her grip. “What are you thinking?”
“Nothing,” I say, practically lying. I’m not thinking of nothing, I’m trying to think of nothing. I’m trying to push away all these thoughts so I don’t drown in them. I won’t let myself drown in them. I won’t let myself think like that. Not about him.
“You’re upset, Vi. You wouldn’t be so upset if there wasn’t something there. It might make you surprised or confused or maybe even angry, but you wouldn’t be upset without reason.”
I drop my head to the ground. She knows me so well. Sometimes I hate it. I can’t hide anything from her, no matter how much I try. She’ll always know what’s going on in my mind one way or the other.
“I . . . I don’t like him, not like that. I tried to think about it. I was thinking about it the whole way back, when I parked the car, while I was opening the door. I tried, but I feel nothing. He’s mybest friend, my only friend, and the best person I can ask for, but I feel nothing.” I finally admit, and my eyes tear up slowly. No. Don’t let it happen. Don’t let yourself fall.
“And there’s nothing wrong with that,” she says. But there is. There is everything wrong with that. My chest gets heavier, as well as my whole body.
“I-I . . .” I stammer. The thought enters my head, and a sharp pain hits my heart. A hint of fear begins to grow in my stomach, in my head, in my heart. I said I wouldn’t go there. Not with Lorenzo. I can’t do that to him. But the words are already at my mouth. “What if he—” I choke, my voice breaking. I don’t continue the sentence; I don’t say anything else.
Mom shakes her head, and all the tears I’ve been trying to hold in fall. She leans toward me and pulls me to her chest. And I cry. I shut my eyes tightly to try and stop it. I want to stop it. I want my mind to stop, to go blank just for one minute. I want it empty. I want all these thoughts to stop. All these horrible thoughts to go away. All these horrible things I’m thinking about Lorenzo who’s such a great person. He doesn’t deserve to be thought of like that.
“It’s okay. I’m right here. Remember that. I will never let anything else happen to you,” my mom assures me, whispering in a soothing voice. She doesn’t tell me to stop crying. She doesn’t tell me I’m wrong. She just tells me that she’s here.That is all I want to hear right now.I sniff, staying close to her.
“What if he hates me? What if he leaves? I can’t lose him,” I utter, the words barely leaving my mouth.
“He won’t leave you if he really loves you. Whoever does that is a horrible person. And if he turns out to be a horrible person, and you’re scared, I’ll kill him myself. But I don’t think I’ll have to go that far, and that means a lot coming from someone who trusts no one,” she tells me.
My head starts to ache. Lorenzo wouldn’t do anything. He wouldn’t do anything to anyone.He won’t leave you if he really loves you.
I can’t lose him. He’s the only friend I have. One of the only people I can trust and talk to. He’s the one of the best people I know. He’s done so much for me. He’s never hurt me. Why can’t I give him this? After everything he’s done, I still can’t feel anything for him. I owe him everything, and I can’t give him this back. I can’t return his feelings. What if he stops loving me. What he if stops being my friend?
What if he gives up and leaves?
I don’t want him to leave.
Chapter 18 – Sessantasette
Elias
The following day arrives slower than usual, and I spent all yesterday after school either being ghosted, blocked, or ignored by Lorenzo. I don’t have any idea which one it is, nor why. All I know is that it isn’t like Lorenzo to go through that long without answering his messages. Especially since it’s morning, and he still hasn’t answered a single one.
I get out of my dad’s car when he parks in front of the school, shutting the door behind me. I’ll just have to ask Lorenzo what’s going on when he arrives and hope for answers about his avoidance. However, waiting is the hard part. I’m always here first, and it isn’t something I’m particularly proud of.
I stand at the lockers, like I usually do, awaiting anyone’s arrival. Violet has been arriving early some days, and her presence isn’t the worst. It’s better than being alone. Even Lorenzo himself gets here early sometimes. No one arrives early today. Why would they? The only reason I’m here is because I have to be. It’s either I get here early, or I don’t come at all.
I despise my dad’s distrust of me. I have never done anything to defy him. I’ve always listened to him, and still always do. I don’t know where his urge of having such an isolated son comesfrom. I don’t know why he thinks I’ll fail him if I have an ounce freedom. Sometimes I think maybe that’s why I don’t feel as hurt by Violet’s hatred for him. Sometimes, her opinion of him isn’t that far from the truth, and I feel ashamed for thinking that. My dad isn’t the worst. He’s never done anything wrong to me and he’s never left. I have it easy. He has it easy, compared to everyone else he knows. The “trio” he always used to talk about. Out of all of those he knew, he was least hit by this world.Iwas least hit by this world.
