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I catch him laugh, looking to the side. I smile at his laugh, and the way his eyes the light up his face. I then turn around, prying my eyes off him. His image imprints into my mind, letting the smile settle on my face as I walk down to the main floor. Something is definitely wrong with me. I can’t just be looking at him like that. This is proof I need sleep. But, for now, I’ll have to work with just coffee.
Chapter 42 – Quarantatré
Elias
The thought of loving someone brings up so many emotions, and they only get stronger and stronger as you go on. For me, that first emotion was fear. I don’t think anyone will understand how bad it is that I feel anything toward Violet. And it’s not because of her.
Violet is everything I never thought I needed, everything I never thought I’d want. Even when she’s tired or down, her face lights up in the most beautiful way. Her eyes have a glimmer in them, and if you look close enough, you see a soft hue of green. I don’t think I’ve ever loved the color green until I saw a glimpse of it in her. Her being with me fills a void I didn’t know existed, a missing puzzle piece I needed to fill. Even her insults feel like everything when they’re directed at me. She could never be the problem.
No, she isn’t the issue here. My father is the issue. He caused a thousand problems when he just saw a text exchange between us. I don’t want to think about what he’ll do if he finds out how I feel about her. Last time the anger was directed toward me, but I don’t want to risk it being directed toward her. Not in any way. He can do crazy things when he’s angry, things I’ve seen him dofirsthand. The whole New York thing was proof enough of that. He’s never gone too far, but I’m not risking it. Not with her.
It won’t be a problem, anyway. She barely tolerates my presence; she won’t have much reason to see me after Lorenzo’s gone. It’s impossible for her to feel anything for me, so it won’t mean anything. But that one day still exists in my head, the memory of her being so close. Her breath on my skin. It still plays in my head, reminding me of her. Reminding me of what I felt. Of the feelings I can’t afford to have.
It'll be better for her. That’s all that matters. Even if it hurts me for some time, even if I feel empty for a while. As long as she’s okay and happy, nothing else matters. Everything else will work out. As long as her smile keeps appearing on her face, nothing else needs to happen.
However, on this lunch break, Violet barely speaks. She’s quiet, not reacting to anything around her. She looks as tired as hell, like she’s barely holding on. She really should sleep. I told her over ten times already, but she’s persistent on going through the day. I don’t know where she gets her energy from, how she can still joke when she looks like she could fall sleep the second her head is down.
“Violet, are you okay?” I ask her, and she jumps back to reality. Her head turns to me, her eyes slightly widened.
“Elias. Yeah, I’m fine,” she answers, putting on a smile. That’s a lie. I think everyone knows that’s a lie. She’s good at hiding her emotions most of the time. I wouldn’t have known how tired she was if she didn’t lose focus every other minute.
“You need to rest.”
“No, I’m fine. I told you,” she repeats, lying again. “Don’t worry about me.”
How can I not? How can I look at the exhaustion on her face and not worry? Even her smile is weak, making me wonder how long it’ll take for it to disappear.
My first ever love. The first feeling of love ever felt in my heart, reserved for her. Everyone says love is a pleasant feeling, one that makes you float. They fail to mention the worry that comes with it. How even the smallest things will stress you out, because you can’t imagine how it would feel like without that love anymore. Because you don’t want to know how bad life would be without that love, and only having emptiness in its place. Worry is a feeling connected so much to love, yet people neglect to mention it.
Lunch break eventually ends, and Violet and I head to the library. It’s the only session the two of us have together, and it’s a miracle we even do. Two different grades don’t usually have the same class. We sit down, both of us silent, as we both try to read our books. Even with the book in my hand, the black ink in front of me, my gaze keeps switching toward her. I spot her struggling to read, squinting and bringing the book closer to her as if searching for the words.
“Violet.”
She drops the book, and her head jumps up. She hums a small yes. I move to her side, so that I’m sitting next to her. He looks in my direction as I move.
“Rest. You’re going to faint. No one will know anyway,” I tell her.
“Elias, I said I’m fine. I need to get some pages in, you’re just trying to sabotage me,” she says. A grin tugs on my lips at her words. She’s still stuck on winning the reading contest we have between us. She says it like winning means something big to her, even though I’m sure it’s just to prove she’s better than me. I’d be fine with that, her beating me. If it means seeing her excited, I’d lose every day.
“Then put the book down and take a minute to get your head together,” I advise.
She rolls her eyes, curling her lips downward. “Everyone is so demanding,” she mumbles before placing the book down in front of her, open on her current page. Her hands rub her eyes and her head leans back onto the wall behind us. Her breathing is slow, and her eyes look like they’re being held open by matchsticks. I look back down at my book and continue to read on.
I get in five pages and stop to check on Violet. Her head is still leaned back, but her eyes are closed now. Her face is more relaxed. “Violet?” I whisper but she doesn’t answer. I slide closer and tap her arm, but the only thing that does is cause her head to tip to the side and onto my shoulder. She’s fallen asleep. A wave of heat releases in my chest. She really is stubborn.
I let my left hand move the hair out of her face, moving it toward her back. “I did tell you,” I whisper. Her skin glistens even when she’s asleep. God, she’s beautiful. I could never get tired of her. Her voice, her face. Nothing I could do would ever make me deserving of her.
Aurora was right. I have fallen in love with her. Deeply, madly in love with her. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get back up.
Chapter 43 – Quarantadue
Val
My eyelids slowly open, and a burst of light hits my eyes. I squeeze them back shut quickly, shifting my body. When I open them again, everything is blurred at first sight, and I blink a few times to focus. The view starts to clear and I can see shelves stacked with books. Blue, red, white, black and purple. Spines of different colors racked up against the wooden squares. I lift my head and the books straighten.
The library. I’m at the library. Wait, why am I at the library? I rub my eyes and smooth out my hair. Well, not my hair, I notice, as it’s way too long. My hand untangles the strands of my wig. I grab my phone and tap the screen to wake it. It reads 1:42 p.m. Wait, I’m still at school. Oh my God, it’s library period. I slept through library period.
I look to my right and find Elias sitting down, his head lowered into his book. I look down at his shoulder. Oh my God, I was sleeping on his shoulder.
