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I kissed him. Why did I kiss him? How did it not occur to me the whole time to stop. I shouldn’t have kissed him. Oh my God, what have I done?
I wait until I hear complete silence before turning into a small space, away from the halls, and dropping down against the wall. I bring my hands to my face, threading them together. What is wrong with me? What was wrong with me? A heavy feeling forms in my chest
Shit.
Chapter 57 – Ventotto
Val
My phone rings, disturbing the silence my headphones were giving me. I look down at the screen and see Lorenzo’s name light up. I answer the call, keeping my headphones on. I straighten my back, keeping my knees folded close to me.
“Hey Vi,” Lorenzo greets.
“Hey Enzo,” I reply, my voice dim. I rest my arms on my knees, laying me head on them.
“Aurora said you weren’t in your last classes. Did something happen?” he asks. Of course he’d notice. He worries about me. He’s a good friend.
“No, I just had to come home. Oliver needed me urgently. I forgot to text you, sorry,” I lie, apologizing. I don’t need to worry him. He shouldn’t have to. Not for me.
“Don’t worry. I’ll let you go work then. Call me if you need anything,” he says before the line goes dead, and I’m left alonewith my thoughts again. I raise my head again, letting it fall back onto the wall. Repeatedly.
What the hell was wrong with me? What was going on in my head?
“Val?” I hear the faint call of my name through the headphones. I look up to see my mom, standing at the door. I take off the headphones and rest them around my neck. “You want to tell me why you’re banging your head at the wall?” she asks, sitting down next to me.
I look at her for a while, before I’m even able to conjure up a response. “I’m a bad person,” I utter. It’s barely a response, but it’s the summarization of everything I’ve been thinking about. The spiral of thoughts in my head.
She looks at me with concern. “Of course you’re not. You always say that, and it either turns out not to be your fault, or something that you think is worse than it actually is,” she says, caressing my arm. But she’s just saying that because I’m her daughter. I feel a cold shudder in my body. I am a horrible person.
“I kissed Elias, Mom,” I blurt out, and I see the subtle shift of surprise in her expression. She tries to hide it, but I can see it. Her eyes widen slightly as she takes in my words. Her features then return to normal.
“Val, that’s not bad.” She tries assuring me. All I do is shake my head. She knows it’s bad. She knows how bad it is.
“It’s horrible. He’s Lorenzo’s friend. I don’t know what I was thinking, it just happened. How could I do that to him? How could I do that to you?” I vent, my voice breaking at the end.
She shakes her head. “Honey, you didn’t do anything to me. Nothing,” she tells me. I squint at her. Her hand comes up to the side of my head. “People make mistakes. You can make mistakes, Vi. It doesn’t make you a bad person. And you toldLorenzo you didn’t like him; I’m sure he doesn’t expect you not to go ever love again because of that,” she continues.
“No, Ma. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to him. I picked Elias over him. You know how surprising it is that I even became friends with Elias. Lorenzo has done so much, it is not fair to him,” I cry to her. She rubs her thumb on my cheek.
“You don’t control that. Love is the one thing you cannot control, Val. We both know that, and I know Lorenzo does, too. And this doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it to. It happened, but what happens after is your choice.”
I look at her before sliding closer to lean my head on her. She wraps her arm around my body, slowly stroking my right arm.
There’s a pressure in my chest. God, I’m so stupid. How did I let my mind just slip away from me? With Lorenzo’s friend. I am a horrible friend. How could I do that to him? He never did anything to me. He was always here for me. He deserves everything, and I went behind his back. I can’t even be considered a friend.
“I’m horrible. I hurt him so much, and he always stayed with me. Now I do this,” I mutter in a soft voice.
“Don’t say that. You’re not. Things happen. And you don’t get to choose who you love, Vi. Trust me, I know that. If for you, that’s Elias, then it’s okay,” she says.
No. No, I don’t love him. I don’t like him or anything even. Something was wrong with me today.
“No. I don’t like him,” I tell her. “I don’t like anyone. It isn’t like that; I know it isn’t. It’s not fair.” I don’t love anyone. I don’t love. It’s cruel and painful and all a lie. I have always stood by that; Elias isn’t the exception. If anyone deserves to be the exception, it’s Lorenzo.
My mom leans her head onto mine, stroking my hair. “Whatever you want, flower. But if you decide you do love him, don’t ever let me be the one that stops you. Even if he is Roland’sson. I know how to separate a child from their parent, trust me,” she says.
I stay there, in her arms. Her comfort is all I need. The only one, and one I can’t live without. “Am I exaggerating? Maybe this is simple and I’m just making it complicated,” I ask her.
“Remember what Daniel told me when I said that?” she mentions.
