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“Destroy you, sacrifice you. I knew that early on but lied to myself.” He leans against the counter. “Pollyanna, you’re not what I want. But my God, I need you.”
“Is that an insult?” I ask. “Because I don’t know what you mean.”
“I don’t want you, I mean, I want you, but I wish I didn’t. You deserve better than the monster I am. I killed my father. And he deserved it. That’s the plain truth, and yesterday, I finally looked up my mom. She died. I never tried to helpher, never reached out. And I don’t know how to feel about that. It’s kind of eating at me. It shouldn’t. She saw me just like you do?—”
“No, Mercer. I don’t.”
He stares at me. “You looked at me and said?—”
“I know what I said. The betrayal hurt me beyond anything you can comprehend. But I don’t see you any differently for killing Trenton. And your mom…” I blow out a breath. “She was such a victim that she didn’t love anyone, including herself. Or maybe that’s not fair. If she loved you, then she was so broken that she couldn’t show it. Maybe she thought that was all she deserved, maybe she feared bringing you down. But I find it impossible to believe her feelings for you changed.”
He shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. Sawdust flutters to the floor as he does it. “I’m a fucking grown-ass man. I’m good. Just wish I’d helped.”
“Do it by helping yourself, let someone in.” I look at him and wait, but he doesn’t say or do anything, and suddenly, that comfort of being here, of him wanting to tell me something big and monumental dissipates. “I should go.”
Mercer probably just wants to see that I’m okay and this is another crumb. Wild fireflies beat useless wings against my insides and?—
“Ivy, you need to understand who and what I am. When we played, that was me in my element.”
“I think it could be mine, too. I’m new at it, I’m young, but I’ve never felt so good when we did all that.” I think about it. “All of it, though. The D/s, the regular sex.”
“It’s all real. But when I tied you up and when I spanked you, that was real. My kink’s tied up in pain and guilt, and the need for control and power shifts. And I just like it. But I learned I like the regular sex, the risky sex, with you. I brought you here because…I wanted to say that. I want to say a whole fucking lot because this is hard. This is giving you the control. The power. I’ve never done that…ever.”
He takes a deep breath. “The more time I spent with you, the more I liked it. Talking, learning, touching, arguing, seeing how you tick. I wanted—I want all of it, Ivy, but I don’t deserve you.”
Hope flares bright inside. “No, but you have me.”
“You don’t want someone like me. I just—I just wanted you to know I cared.”
I narrow my eyes. “Are you making me work for it, for you? You’re a selfish prick, Mercer.”
He half grins at that and shrugs.
Honestly, I want to hit him again.
“We both know you didn’t bring me here out of altruism. You brought me here to try and make me stay, and you thought it would be enough to make a grand gesture, show me this house. And not confess how you actually feel.”
“Ivy, this is all I have. I’ll get you a car if you want.”
“I don’t want that,” I snap. “But I’ll take it. Because I respect myself. I also love you. I might not like you at times, but I love you. That could be enough, I guess. But I want more.”
“You don’t want what I have.”
“If you’re talking about your money, no, I don’t. If you’re talking you, then we have something to discuss.”
“All I can give you is a broken person, one used to control and power. All I can give you is sex.”
I so want that sex. But I also know it isn’t enough, not without the words. He’ll never say them if he can’t voice them now. And I can’t spend a life wondering if the man next to me who uses and abuses me so delightfully just needs me and doesn’t…doesn’t love me.
I’m in the soul of him, and I want more.
I want him to occupy the space with me.
“Okay,” I say. “I’ll take that car now. I’m ready to leave.”
Panic flares in those whiskey eyes, and the hope inside me flares a little brighter. I think…I think this might be all right. If he can get there. He just needs to see it for himself.
“Ivy, I don’t know if I can do love.”
