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I smile up at him to show him I’m okay. “No, really, I’m fine. Ethan is a friend. I just didn’t expect him to be here.”
He still seems unsure but nods his head. He waits as I walk over to my front door.
“Ethan, why are you here?” I ask again.
“Can we go inside?” he asks. I see his eyes dart to Garyson, who slowly unlocks his apartment door. “I need to talk to you.”
He senses my hesitation when I don’t immediately comply.
“Please,” he says softly. His expression is guarded, and I can’t guess what he wants.
I consider telling him no, that he can’t just show up like this and expect me to let him in. But then I notice the dark circles under his eyes and the taut line of his mouth.
I bite my lip in indecision.
“Well, you drove all this way. You might as well come in,” I say unenthusiastically as I unlock the door and push the stroller in. Ethan follows closely behind.
“Liz, I know I messed up,” he starts, his voice shaky and uncertain.
I shake my head and hold up my hand, interrupting him. “No, you don’t need to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve done a lot of thinking since leaving. And I finally realized I mistook your affectionfor something more. I turned it into something I wanted it to be instead of what it actually was. You and I were wrong for each other from the start.”
I feel the words rush out of my mouth, and I’m powerless to stop them. I don’t think I can take hearing his apologies right now. I know he doesn’t love me and will never love me, and my mental state is too fragile to handle hearing him say it out loud.
I sit on the couch and rest my elbows on my knees, my head in my hands. I’m afraid to look at him. It hurts to even be in the same room as him.
He takes a step toward me, his frustration evident in the way he angrily runs his hands through his hair. “We’re not wrong for each other. That’s what I’m here to tell you. I need you to listen,” he says gruffly.
He sinks down in front of me and puts his hands on my knees, a pained expression on his face.
“Ethan, please. I can’t do this again,” I plead.
“Please, hear me out, Liz. I thought if I spent time with you, you’d see how much you needed me. I thought I could convince you to stay because that was convenient for me. I never thought of what was best for you. I was a selfish idiot. I told you I love you, and I meant it. But I didn’t fully realize how much I felt it until you left.”
A weighted silence fills the room.
The shield I’ve been erecting around my heart begins to crack a little. But we’ve been down this road too many times. I’m too afraid to hope that anything is different now.
“I know you believe that you love me, Ethan. It’s not real.”
“You don’t know what’s in my heart because I haven’t shown you. I realize now that I began falling in love with you the moment we first met.When I realized I had feelings for you, I was terrified and ran. I’ll never forgive myself for leaving you all those months ago. I thought I could protect myself by running away from you, never realizing it was too late. I had already begun falling for you. I can never take back what I did to you and can never expect your forgiveness. Leaving you was my worst mistake, and I have no excuse for it.”
He looks and sounds so sincere, but I’m still too afraid to hope it’s real.
“How can I believe what you’re saying when you spent the last year telling me that you never want a commitment or a family? It doesn’t matter what you say. It’s too late for us.” He flinches as though I slapped him.
“You’re wrong, and I’m going to prove it to you,” he says with renewed steel in his voice.
“And how do you plan to do that? Buy me something expensive? Take me on a trip?” I ask flippantly.
He looks at me intensely. “I can do all that, but I know that’s not what you want. I realize my mistake now. I was selfish in asking you to give up your opportunity here. Instead of helping you achieve your dreams, I tried to make you fit into my life and didn’t want to make any concessions. That changes now. I’ve contacted your landlord and put my name on the waitlist for an apartment here. I’m moving in as soon as another apartment opens up in this complex. I hope you’ll agree to date me, and we can get to know each other better. Maybe in time, you’ll grow to love me like I love you.”
My eyes widen in shock and disbelief. “Wait. You’re moving here?”
He takes my hands into his, and I see him swallow heavily before responding. “I will do whatever it takes to show you can count on me.I’m here for you in whatever way you need. Please give me the chance to prove I can be the man you want in your life.”
I feel the tears welling up behind my eyes. Oh, please don’t cry again, damn it.
“Ethan, I don’t know what to say.”
