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“Babe, I told you I took care of all of that. The movers are going to be at your apartment at eight.” He cracks one eye open and looks at me. Then, he sits up and leans over to put the now-sleeping Matthew back into his bassinet. “And then the movers will deliver your stuff here around noon.”
I had to have heard him wrong. But, just in case, I have to ask, “What did you just say?”
“I think you’re overtired. Here, come lay down by me.”
I hit his chest. “Ethan, stop your bullshit. Did you tell the movers to bring my stuff here?” I ask in a high-pitched voice.
“You’re gonna wake Matthew if you don’t keep it down,” he chides.
“And you’re gonna be doubled over in pain when I kick you in the balls. Why is my stuff being brought here? You know I have to be in Syracuse by next Friday.”
Now, he opens both eyes and looks directly at me. His posture is a little less relaxed now. In fact, he looks a bit nervous.
“You’re not going to Syracuse. You’re moving in here with me.”
“I’m not moving in with you! Have you lost your mind?”
Ethan shakes his head. “I haven’t lost my mind. In fact, everything is much clearer now.”
“I’m not moving in here. Do you think you can just order me around? Look, I know that the Trent thing scared you. It scared me, too. But I’m not living my life in fear.”
“That’s not why you’re moving in.”
“Then why? You want a nice, willing fuck buddy conveniently living in the bedroom next to yours?”
He sits up, takes my hands into his, and looks me dead in the eyes. “Liz, that’s ridiculous. I’d never have a fuck buddy move in. That would scare all of the other fuck buddies away.”
I bet he thinks his smile is charming. I bet he thinks he’s cute right now. The fact that he’s making jokes about this infuriates me. I take my hands from his and stand up. “I’m going to my room to make some phone calls. You know, about my move,” I snap at him.
Ethan stands up next to me, his full height towering over me. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry for teasing. It’s just that I’m nervous.”
I cross my arms over my chest, unwilling to give an inch. “Nervous about what?”
He looks around the room, avoiding eye contact. Finally, he turns back to me and shrugs. “I don’t know how to tell you, but I love you.”
“You love me? That’s why you can’t look at me when you say it? You just don’t want me to leave because of Matthew. And because we’ve had a good time the last few weeks. You don’t love me. You don’t even know what love is,” I say softly as I look away.
He takes my chin in his hand and turns my face to look at him. “I can look you in the eye when I say it. I love you. Not because we slept together. Not because of Matthew. Not because I almost lost you the other day. I love you because I want you with me.”
My resolve begins to fade when I see the tender look in his eyes. But I’m too afraid even to hope. He can’t possibly mean it.
“You don’t know what you’re saying, Ethan. You’re just afraid of me moving away.”
“Of course, I’m afraid of you moving away. I have never been happier than I am right now. I love you. I want you here with me forever. And I know that you feel the same way. Tell me you love me, too,” he says. I feel his urgency as he grips my hands tightly in his.
I want so much to say yes. But I just can’t open my heart in that way again. It didn’t work out the first time, and there’s a good chance it won’t work out this time. And now, I have Matthew to think about. Breaking things off now won’t affect him now like it would later in life.
“Ethan, you know I care about you.” If I didn’t know better, I would swear I could see his eyes dim a little.
“But?”
“But we want different things in life. I want a home, a husband, more kids. I want afamily. You can never provide that for me. You told me your intentions when we first started seeing each other casually, and they included none of the things I want for my future. You think you want all that now, but soon, the newness will wear away, and we’ll be right back at this same spot. Only, I don’t think my heart could recover if that happened again.”
“I want those things, too,” he says. “I just needed a little time to come to terms with it. I’ve loved having you and Matthew here.”
“Come to terms with it?” I shake my head at him sadly. “That’s not good enough. No, I’m sorry. I’m calling the movers back, and I’ll be moving just as planned.”
Say something to make me stay, I beg silently to myself.Please.
