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Orrible thought about it for a long moment then grinned in triumph. ‘Got it – Paul McCartney?’
‘Oh for fu—. Birds, Orrible, BIRDS.’ Billy nodded in the direction of the left wall where there was a massive framed photo of himself with a Steller’s sea eagle perched on his arm, gigantic talons gripping his falconer’s glove, wings extended, all two and a half metres of them.
‘Oh, birds. Wow, he’s a biggun inne?’ said Orrible. Luckily he stopped himself saying he bet it would feed a family of six at a Sunday lunch.
‘That’s Tiny,’ said Billy.
‘He’s not, Bill, he’s frigging massive.’
‘That’s his name, you moron. Dear god, where were you when they were giving out brains? Scatterbrook Farm, having tea with Aunt bleedin’ Sally? Let’s start again. You might learn something even though your grey matter is about as sponge-like as a slab of concrete. Tiny there has claws capable of crushing a man’s skull like an egg,’ said Billy.
‘Bit like me,’ said Square with a grin that would have turned milk sour.
‘However, unlike you, Square, birds are among god’s prettiest creatures. And to think that anyone would throw a stone at one of them breaks my heart. There they are, flying around being beautiful and majestic, minding their own business, and some lowlife with a rock decides they’re target practice. Do you know how angry that makes me, Orrible?’
Orrible coughed. ‘Very, I would imagine. But—’
‘Especially when the person chucking rocks is someone I’ve told to keep a low profile. Because who knows what that person might say to get out of trouble if apprehended by the law? Who knows whose name he might just drop into a policeman’s awaiting ear?’
Orrible saw now where this was going. ‘Billy, I wouldn’t—’
Billy cut him off. ‘I haven’t finished speaking, so you sticka peg on your lips, you gimp. Now not only does this idiot get himself arrested and bound over and feature in a county-wide paper in the space of days, but Square here, yesterday, was taking a leisurely stroll along the beach with his lovely Helena, and who should he see in the distance throwing rocks up at the cliff?’
Orrible gave a nervous laugh, jiggling his shoulders up and down in a very unconvincing ‘no idea’ gesture.
‘I’d have said a hello but you ran off,’ said Square. ‘Don’t even try to say it wasn’t you, Orrible. I could recognise you if you were stood at the Kent end of the Channel Tunnel and I was stood in France.’
‘Now, Orrible, can you give me one good reason why I shouldn’t come down on you like a ton of bricks?’ said Billy. ‘You’re a liability. And you know I don’t like liabilities. I don’tneedliabilities. Or animal abusers.’
‘I wasn’t chucking stones at birds, honest, Billy.’ Orrible snivelled.
Billy slammed his spade-like hands down on the desk and bellowed. ‘Then what were you doing and why are you continuing to do it?’
‘I was trying to get a handbag,’ Orrible cried. He couldn’t remember what story he’d told Billy, but it didn’t matter anyway, he just needed to get himself out of this present scrape – and only the truth was going to do that. ‘That woman whose car I nicked at the beauty spot, her handbag fell over the cliff but it snagged on a sort of tree thing and it’s too far down to reach from the top, but I thought if I threw rocks I just might be able to dislodge it.’ He slumped then as if telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth had emptied him.
‘Right, I see. This is the unconscious woman your Uncle Benny helped get to the hospital. The woman his nephewrobbed and assaulted. I’m presuming Benny doesn’t know this, does he? Not sure he’d be too pleased about that for pretty much the same reasons I’m not.’
Orrible grinned. ‘I meant to tell you, Billy, she hasn’t got any memory. She wrote Uncle Benny a note and shoved it through the window of his van. She can’t remember anything about how she got there or how she ended up in hospital.’
‘Well aren’t you a lucky boy then,’ said Billy. ‘But memories are funny things, aren’t they, they can be brought back by triggers. What if she looks in the newspaper and sees a photo of a scruffy twat who looks like he just walked out of Ten Acre Field who’s been nabbed for chucking stones at an “ocelot’s nest” and shere-cog-nis-es youand it all comes flooding back to her.’
‘It was a really old photo, Billy. I had all my teeth then—’
‘You won’t be able to compete in the Commonwealth Games with broken arms, will you, Orrible? I think your chances of aput-shottinggold medal would be slightly scuppered. I could, however, leave your arms alone and let Charlie here loose on you. I do believe they’re looking for sopranos in Shoresend ladies’ choir.’
A damp patch started to appear on the front of Orrible’s trousers and Billy made a face of disgust.
‘Jesus, get him out of here before he stains my Wilton. I’m warning you, son, I want you as invisible as Harry Potter with his magic cloak on. Leave that handbag where it is to rot on the cliff, do you hear me?’
‘Yes, Billy. I hear you loud and clear.’
Outside, Orrible straightened his clothes. Every time he went in there, he thought there was a big chance he wouldn’t walk out again, but he always did and the resulting relief felt like a shot of joy administered directly into a major vein.
He sauntered off in the direction of home and Tina but that big fat handbag hanging on the cliff would not leave his mind. He’d been obsessing about it since he’d seen it snag on the branch. He fantasised about it in bed at night, opening it, reaching inside and pulling out all the rich pickings: gold, cash, cards, diamond jewellery, the latest iPhone. There was real treasure in it, heknew, and he had to get it before someone else did, no matter what Billy said.
Chapter 28
The woman was a worker if yesterday and today were anything to go by, thought Teddy, and everyone seemed to like her. It was important to him that everyone fitted in with each other in his restaurant, even though he knew it wasn’t likely she’d be here long. He really couldn’t get his head around it all – a so-called expert in business matters with barely any memory of her life before ending up here and being oddly reluctant to find out who she was and at the same time desperate to do so. There was something he wasn’t seeing, he was sure of it, but for now he’d take it all at face value and wait for more to show itself.
