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He strutted into Billy’s office swinging a carrier bag and smiled at him.
‘Put that smile away, Orrible, you’re bringing up my breakfast,’ said Billy, averting his eyes.
‘You’re happy, aren’t you Billy? I did good, didn’t I?’
‘Yes son,’ said Billy, ‘you have indeed come up trumps. Pay the man, Charlie.’
Big Charlie tossed Orrible a roll of notes. He teased a twenty out before putting it in his pocket and placed it on the desk.
‘It’s for the donkeys,’ said Orrible. ‘Will you pass it to them?’
Billy, Big Charlie and Square all exchanged glances of amused shock.
‘I will indeed,’ said Billy. ‘That’s very kind of you, Orville.’
Billy grinned. He’d called him by his real name, which was testament to how chuffed he must be.
‘A little birdie tells me that congratulations are in order,’ said Billy, leaning back in his chair, templing his fingers.
Those little birds Billy knew didn’t half have bloody big beaks, thought Orrible. And they were everywhere. He just hoped one of them wasn’t the seagull he’d clobbered with a rock.
‘Yep, me and Tina are now fiancé and Beyoncé.’ Orrible chuckled.
‘Every king should have a queen,’ said Billy, nodding. ‘Even if she is Anne of Cleves.’
Square snorted and covered it up as a cough.
Orrible’s grin was now so wide, A4 letters could have been posted through it.
‘Cheers, Billy. She’ll be really ’onoured you called her a queen.’
‘Now, Orville, before you jog on your merry way, we must address the small matter of a handbag,’ said Billy, his eyes darkening, even though his mouth was holding a smile. ‘The one that was lodged up on the cliff. The one that isn’t there any more.’
But Orrible was fully prepared. Hardly anything got past Billy; it wouldn’t have done to pretend that the bag disappearing had nothing to do with him.
‘You mean… this bag. Da daaaa,’ he tipped it out of the carrier he was holding, like a rabbit out of a magician’s hat, and put it down on the desk. And what’s more, when he told Billy the story behind it, he’d be telling the truth – albeit with a few tiny tweaks – as Billy, who could spot a lie at fifty paces, would be able to confirm.
‘I was walking on the beach, only to check if it was still up there mind, and a seagull swooped on me and nabbed off with my hat, so I shouted at it and I must have scared it because it went splat into the cliff face. But guess why it didn’t hurt itself, Bill? Because it only went and crashed into the bag, breaking the branch it was hanging on, and it tumbled down and fell at my feet along with my hat. The bird flew off, in case you’re wondering. It was a blimming miracle,’ Orrible concluded. ‘And I brought it to you. Oh and I swilled it in sea water first because that gets rid of any DNA.’
Billy studied this chuckling creature before him and, blowme, it was telling the truth. He was sure there must have been aleetlebit more to the story but he could let it go on this occasion seeing as Orrible had come through for him with a beautiful Range Rover Sport SVR. Billy took a pair of disposable gloves out of his desk drawer and dragged the handbag towards him. This wouldn’t be gracing any lady’s arm again. He rifled through the pockets, found the usual women’s detritus: make-up, a pen, brush and a model of phone that came out before the last brontosaurus had perished. He drew out the purse. There was a debit card and a Visa and a five-pound note in the money slot. Billy smirked. Orrible’s attempt to ‘prove’ he hadn’t touched any money and was as honest as the day was long. He pulled it out and tossed it towards Orrible. ‘You might as well have that… as a reward for your scrupulous morals.’
‘Aw cheers, Billy. I didn’t notice there was anything in the purse.’ Orrible didn’t wait to be asked twice.
There was a bag of small brooches and a note in with them. Billy unfolded it and read it. From someone called Will thanking someone called Polly for helping him get through his exams when he didn’t think he would. It brought a proper lump of emotion to his throat.
He took out the passport and looked at the photo of a woman staring straight ahead with lovely, light eyes. The woman who had given him a bit of a headache these past weeks, even though she hadn’t known a thing about that.
‘Polly Potter. She looks nice doesn’t she? I mean, not as nice as your Tina of course, but I think she’d like to have her bag returned to her. One of my little birds tells me she’s working at the Italian in Shoresend. She never did get her memory back so I think being reunited with herself would be a good, Christian thing to do, don’t you? Kind of levellingthings up a bit, take with one hand, give with the other; that’s what we do and that’s why the universe is balanced. I’m presuming all her cards are present and correct and that no one has been flashing them around buying things contactless and being captured on CCTV cameras because that would be very, very stupid, wouldn’t it?’
‘Didn’t touch ’em, Billy.’ Orrible nodded and produced his most honest smile.
‘Good boy. Well, I’ll make sure this gets to her. Sorry to hear about your Uncle Benny’s hand. Tell him, when you see him, that I hope he recovers soon.’
‘I will, Billy.’ He’d rather have had Uncle Benny’s hand than the other fella’s face. Orrible was really glad he’d been distracted from trying to blackmail him that day when he nicked Polly Potter’s car at the beauty spot. He was indebted to her really, hence why he was here with the bag full of her things. Like Billy said:balance.
‘So, Orrible, our business has concluded,’ said Billy with his big-toothed crocodile smile. ‘Our association is at an end. Off you go, have a nice life.’
Orrible almost skipped to the door, where he turned. ‘Billy, do you think when me and Tina get married next year you’d consider being my best m—’
