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“No. I just… I just want to. Because of how I feel… for… for you.”
He swallows so hard I can see it in this throat. He works his lower lip with his teeth.
“I’m telling you the truth, Caleb. Is that why… why you’re always hesitating? I thought it was just the boundaries of your job, which I understand. But you don’t seriously think I’d… I’d have sex with you as a way of earning forgiveness?”
He still doesn’t say anything. Just stares at me in exhausted bewilderment.
I cup his face with my hand. It feels like this is a very important moment. “Everything I’ve done with and for you in the past month has been because I wanted to. And for no other reason.”
He gives a stiff nod. Finally glances away.
“I didn’t even know you had feelings for me. I wouldn’t have known that acting on them was something you would want.”
“How could you not know that?”
I choke on a laugh. “Uh, have you met yourself, Caleb Morrison? I believe I’ve mentioned before your close resemblance to a granite statue. It makes it hard to know your feelings. Unless you… I don’t know… say something about them.”
His face changes. Softens. “Yeah. I guess that makes sense.”
“So you really… You really had some kind of feelings for me back then?” Maybe it’s needy, but I want to hear more. Hear everything.
“Some kind?” His voice is suddenly hoarse, urgent. “Yeah, that doesn’t even come close. All I ever did was think about you, want you. I tried not to. I tried to hide it. You were so young and so lost, and I wasn’t one of those men. But I couldn’t help it. Even as you spun out of control, I… yearned for you, and I couldn’t stop myself.”
“I had no idea.”
“Of course you didn’t. You weren’t supposed to. I was too old for you for one thing, and you were caught up in a lifestyle that would have made it impossible to have a healthy relationship even if everything else would have worked out. I couldn’t control my feelings, but at least I could keep you from knowing about them.”
“So all that time, you… You…”
His face twists. Reluctance. Guilt. “I wasn’t lusting after you from the moment I saw you. At least, I never let myself think about it. You were still in college when I joined your dad’s team. I liked you. I liked you from the beginning. That day in Paris still… I really felt connected to you that day, and that feeling never went away. But I never would have… But then you started acting different. Doing stuff you hadn’t done before. Then you seemed to lose all restraint. And I felt like shit because I wanted to help but there was nothing I could do. I hadn’t been assigned to you yet, so I only knew most of it from what I overheard from your dad. Then that one night. By the pool. It was New Year’s. You might not even remember it.”
“I remember.”
He shakes his head. “You were there, almost naked, right in front of me, looking so… Looking like everything I ever wanted. Fuck, I wanted you so much I couldn’t see straight, and I haven’t stopped wanting you since.”
I’m trembling helplessly, and I twist the damp washcloth between my hands. I’ve completely forgotten I was giving him a sponge bath. “I didn’t know. I was so embarrassed about it, especially after you got assigned to me. I was mortified anytime I thought about it.”
“Youcouldn’tknow. I couldn’t let you know.”
We stare at each other for a minute.
Then I admit very softly, “You were different for me. Special. I wasn’t thinking clearly about much of anything back then, and I know treating you like that was inappropriate. But I was clear about knowing you were the one person I could really trust.”
His face changes, softens. His head tilts up like he’s going to kiss me, but then he must change his mind. He relaxes against the pillow again.
“Do you want me to do your lower half?” I’ve cleaned every part of his top half I’m able to reach.
He shakes his head.
“You sure?”
“Better not.”
“Why?”
He slants me a significant look, and I lower my eyes to his groin.
I see why immediately. He’s hard in his shorts. The sheet that covers his legs isn’t thick enough to hide it.
