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What had happened to her? What had they done to her? Had she been tortured? Was she even dead?
Unexpectedly, all my breakfast came up quickly, and I vomited next to my chair. Jordy held the unruly hair strands out of my face and gently stroked my back. I didn't hear his words, trapped as I was in my own world of grief, despair, and anger. Yes, downright hatred for the Knights of the Seals, who were responsible for this, was bubbling up inside me and threatening to come to the surface.
They were the ones who had so many lives on their consciences, wiping out entire families and persecuting and executing women. They had taken from us what made us human. Our freedom, our rights, our dignity.
But they could not take everything away from us. What remained were our emotions and our urge to survive. Together, both could become dangerous weapons if shaped and nurtured in the right hands.
Cold spread through me. I heard the ice making its way through my veins crack deep inside me. Almost as if something had broken inside me at the same time. One last time, I spat on the floor.
Determined, I wiped the tears from my face. I would not give up Charly; I would find and avenge her. But I could not do that alone.
Where I had to go, I knew now. And this time, it would be the right decision. I owed it to my best friend, Alex, and my family, who fought so hard for me and, at the same time, opposed the regime.
No matter what I did, they were already in danger, and these monsters were unpredictable. The girl screaming for her mother at the window reappeared in my mind's eye. They had killed her in cold blood. It was not we women who were pushed into the position of sinners who were unworthy of a free life. No, it was those people who made decisions every day that led to people suffering, whether passively in the background or actively at the front.
Those were the real monsters.
My darkness nestled close to my will. All my life, I had been afraid to release it, but now I knew I would need it to win this battle if I didn't want to perish in this cruel world.
“I want to go back home right now.” My brother looked at me anxiously, almost as if I might have a nervous breakdown at any moment.
“Are you sure about this, Myrina? We’re welcome to stay here and talk about it for a bit.”
Determined, I jumped up and walked to the cave exit with big steps.
“No, now!” I called to him impatiently. Reassuringly, the cold continued to flow through me, urging me to hurry if I still wanted to save Charly. But for that, I needed help, and I knew where to find it.
CHAPTER 23
Ispent the rest of the day in my room. Nobody looked after me. They left me alone. In the evening, Aza came over and put a meal on my small table. Apparently, the staff had been told I wasn’t feeling well because she inquired about my well-being.
After I assured her I was already feeling better, she wished me a good night and slipped out of my room before I could answer her.
Now and then, I slept a little and then again pondered how to implement my plan.
When the steeple clock of St. Patrick's Cathedral struck midnight, I was wide awake.
This time, I was better prepared. With my small nail scissors, I had cut off the feet of an old pair of wool tights, which now resembled leggings. Over them, I wore an undershirt, which also came from my winter wardrobe. Thus dressed, I walked barefoot down to the first floor. Undiscovered, I finally reached the kitchen wing, where the laundry was also located. The hum of the washing machines, continuously used at night, could already be heard from the hallway.
I quickly slipped into the room and immediately spotted a basket of already-dried laundry waiting to be folded.
After rummaging through it a bit, I found a pair of socks that belonged to my father. Fortunately, his feet were not much bigger than mine.
Now, my footsteps were even quieter on the old hardwood floor as I made my way to the library.
Today, the moon did not shine through the windows as brightly as last time, yet I effortlessly found the wall through which I had entered the tunnel a few nights ago.
Motionless, I now stood in front of it. I just stared at it. Inwardly, I trembled, but I knew my decision today would shape me forever. Whether it was the right one, I didn't know, but it felt right to me, and that was all that mattered. No one could predict how life would turn out or what would come next. Nothing happened for no reason; sometimes, you just had to trust your heart. Calm settled over me. As the cold spreading further inside me closed around my heart, I ran my finger over the wall, looking for the mechanism to open it.
In vain. There was nothing to see or feel like the first time, indicating this was a passageway.
What had produced the click then? Maybe I should do the same thing as last time.
With my whole body, I pressed against the wall and put my ear on it as if I wanted to listen to what was behind it. Immediately, I heard a familiar sound and a crack appeared in the wall.
The torch was already lit in a holder, and after squeezing through the gap, I took it out and hurried down the steps into the darkness.
When the doorway closed behind me, I didn’t look back.
