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"What's the matter, Rina? I can see that something is bothering you." I felt the inquiring gaze he gave me even without looking. My fiancé knew me too well. I couldn't fool him. We knew each other's strengths and weaknesses, wishes and dreams. Now, the latter was collapsing like a house of cards, but was it enough to destroy everything we had in common and, thus, also our future?
"Tell me. What's the matter? Does it have anything to do with the gala? Do you want to talk about it?" he urged, pulling up a chair.
No, I couldn't tell Alex. I couldn't imagine a life without him, and didn't all couples have doubts in between? For sure, they would disappear with the wedding. Then we could finally spend more time together as a couple, and the strange dreams would fade.
“Everything is fine, Alex. I’m fine,” I tried to convince him and gave him a small smile.
"No, Rina. There's something wrong. I can see it in your face. You're anything but fine. Something is bothering you. You can tell me. You know that, right?" Gently, he took my hand in his and brushed a strand of hair behind my ear.
He looked at me expectantly. I should not have started this conversation. That had been stupid. Once again, I had talked first and thought later. How could I get out of this?
"You know, it wasn't as important as …" I tried to talk my way out of it again, but Alex's stern gaze met me.
“You tell me what’s wrong now, Rina! You’ll feel better after this.”
Sighing, I rummaged in my brain for something to tell him instead of what I actually wanted to say.
“I don’t trust Edward,” it slipped out uncontrollably and had already left my mouth before I could hold it back. Crap, this topic really wasn’t much better than the original one.
Annoyed, Alex drew his eyebrows together.
“You don’t mean that now!?” He was noticeably pissed. “How many times do we have to go over this issue? You’ve heard his story, right? How on earth can you still doubt he can be trusted?”
His anger was transferred to me.
"Let me finish!" I shouted, upset. "Do you really think I'm making such accusations for no reason?" My voice became a little shrill, and Alex's look changed from annoyance to surprise. Losing my temper like that was rare for me. Since he knew me, this was the third time. But it was boiling inside me now and had to come out. It was like a volcano when the pressure rose immeasurably and discharged itself.
“It’s all right, Rina. Calm down first. “ Gentleness was again in his gaze.
"No, nothing is good. Do you want to talk about trust? How little trust do you have in me if you don't believe that I could possibly have a valid reason for my statement? No, of course not,because you are a man, and they always know everything better, can do everything better and are allowed to do everything," I kept getting further into my anger, frustrations, and fear.
“You know I don’t think like that, Rina,” Alex countered sharply. I had hurt him. Unjustly, I knew that, but I just couldn’t get out of this spiral.
"No, I'm afraid I don't know," I threw at his feet. "Here in these rooms, I do everything that is forbidden. Sports, reading, speaking my mind. But what will it be like after we're married? How do you imagine it will be? Then, when I'm your property." I practically spat out the word. Alex's mouth twisted into a thin line.
“What are your plans for me? Are you going to lock me up at home? Or will I still be allowed to come here?”
A paralyzing silence came between us, and my anger sank in. It hadn't been fair of me, but it was the truth. Never had we talked seriously about my role in our future marriage. About how I would live together with him. When I brought up the subject, he basically pushed it aside.
"And in case you want to know what makes me doubt Edward, I will tell you."
Resigned, he nodded. His face trapped in a hole of emotions.
"There was a name in the front of his Koran that had been handwritten," I looked at him, sighing. "The name was John Adam Nash."
Shocked, he opened his eyes and stared at me in disbelief. Doubt, brokenness, sadness, and paralysis flooded his gaze.
I hated this argument, and I hated this situation. The walls seemed to be closing in on me. Nothing was holding me here anymore. So I jumped up and whirled around to him.
“Now would be a good time to say something, Alex!” I sneered at him. His silence, I could not stand it anymore. It only made me angry again.
That was a mistake I could have foreseen. My fiancé was not someone who let himself be pushed into anything; even now, defiance was awakening in him.
"You throw something like that at me and expect me to pass judgment on Edward directly?" he growled indignantly.
Now, it was enough for me. Like a breach of trust, his sentence bored deep into my flesh. It hurt and, at the same time, fueled my angry fire anew.
"Then now I know what place I'll have in your life," I blasted him in the face, turned on my heel, and left the training room without giving him another chance to speak.
