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“You couldn’t just get a job and find your own place?”
Thinking, Meredith looks out at Mom’s lemon border, like she sees something more than just wallpaper there. “Someday. I wasn’t ready then—or now really. But somedaysoon.” She grins like this is something she wants, something that’s coming. “So, Laura?”
How am I supposed to not answer? After she’s given me all these cryptic clues into her life—or maybe that’s exactly why I shouldn’t answer.Cryptic. I don’t need games. But then, I get the feeling that Meredith doesn’t play them. If I asked her about her dad and about not being ready for work, she’d probably tell me. She doesn’t exactly hold back her feelings. Then again, I only get to see her list once she can ride a bike.
I guess that’s fair. It is her list. It’s none of my business. She hasn’t been dishonest about it. She’s just put stipulations on me seeing it.
“Laura is just an old friend.”
“She was more than a friend?”
I clear my throat. “She was.”
“And now she’s not?”
I scoff, thankful there isn’t another bite in my mouth. “No. I haven’t seen Laura in five years. She didn’t like that my attention was so divided.”
“Divided?”
I nod. While Laura is none of her business, it doesn’t bother me to talk about her. I’m not wounded. If she’d been right for me, she would have understood my situation. “Yes. Until recently my mom was sick. Kidney failure.” I stir in my seat a bit. Laura, I can talk about, but almost losing my mother—nope, that’s a whole other situation. “I needed to be here. With her.”
Meredith studies me like she’s waiting to see if I may produce horns. “Of course you did. I’m sorry she didn’t understand.”
“I’m not,” I say. “I don’t miss Laura.” But a small part inside of me has to admit—I may not miss Laura, but I do miss the idea ofsomeone.
“Lucy’s better? She seems well, and Coco and Miles both said things like that.” Meredith scoops a small bite of stir fry into her mouth.
“She is. She had a transplant last year and she’s taken to it well.”
Her gaze softens on me. “But it’s hard for you. She doesn’t need you as much.”
I balk. “That isn’t hard for me.” But it is. “I want her healthy and independent.”
“I believe you. Just because you want something doesn’t mean the transition isn’t difficult.”
I toss my napkin onto my plate and push it back. “That’s probably true. But that isn’t how this is.”
“My dad wants me happy, he wants me here. But that doesn’t mean my absence isn’t difficult for him.”
“That may be. But this is different. I don’t have any issues.”
Meredith chuckles and stuffs another bite into her mouth.
“What?” I say, accusatorially. I cross my arms and sit back, locking my gaze on her.
“We all have issues, Levi. That’s just life.”
“Not mine. I don’t have issues.”
Her arms rest on the table and she leans in, watching me. “Issues aren’t the question. I think the question you have to ask yourself is—what do you want now? You wanted her to get better. She is. Now what?”
But the thing is, I don’t know what I want.
The next night, I’m eating dinner alone. Mom’s gone out again, and for the first time in my life, I wonder if she’d enjoy living by herself. Being an empty nester. I never gave her that chance. I stayed to help raise my brothers and then she got sick. I’ve never left. And I think she appreciated my help. But would she like for me to move out now? Maybe she’d invite her friends to her place if I weren’t here interrupting.
I’m twenty-nine. Ishouldhave my own place.
I never had a reason to think about it before. It’s not that I didn’t want my own place. I’ve never even thought about if Iwantedit or not. There was no use thinking about what I wanted when I was needed at home. With mom.
