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“Yeah. I guess.”
She beams and then nudges me. “I’m glad. I’ll figure out what you like one day and then you won’t be able to resist it.”
And that’s the problem, isn’t it? I won’t be able to. I’ll be sucked into the crazy Kansan life where I smile and am happy all the time.
For a moment, I wonder what’s so bad about that, but then realize that maybe getting my hopes up would only crush me more. Because when you do that, when you hope, when you set expectations, you have farther to fall.
You become disappointed.
And I’ve learned this the hard way.
I don’t know if my heart can handle it again. I might not make it out intact this time.
“So can I pry?” Delilah asks, looking at me with her incredibly kind eyes. They look so much like Jimbob’s that I can’t help but give her anything she wants.
“Uh, probably not,” I say, but she just chuckles like I’m teasing.
“You and my son. You guys together?”
I stare at her and then shake my head. I don’t know what we are, but we’re not together.
“No,” I say. “We aren’t.”
“Ah, but he likes you. Keeps lookin’ at you like you are the sun and the moon.”
“I’m neither,” I say. And I mean it. I’m more like a shadow. A dark, looming one that ruins anything good.
I ruined my mom.
She’s made sure to tell me that a few times. If it wasn’t for me, maybe my dad would have stayed.
“Oh, honey, I’m sure you are. He just adores you, you can tell. Never was real interested in anyone else, but I can see the way he looks at you. He likes you just fine.”
And that’s the problem, isn’t it? Sunshine and shadows don’t mix.
So I try to avoid him once the hayride is done. I stand off in the corner, debating if I should leave, but I can’t quite make myself take off without saying goodbye.
He’s happy, chatting with the parents, showing off his tractor, and then suddenly his eyes meet mine and he waves me over.
I should stay away, should hang back, but my legs pull me forward anyways.
“When everyone leaves, you want to take a ride in my tractor?” he asks me softly.
I peer up at him and fiddle with my nose ring. “Maybe.”
His blue eyes sparkle like the darkening sky above us. “Maybe? Come on, Braxton. Let me take you for a ride.”
I’ve never been on a tractor before so I nod, and when everyone is gone, he sits down on the metal seat and pats his lap.
“On your lap?” I ask, and he smiles.
“Yeah, come on.”
“What if someone sees?”
He shrugs. “No one around here will care, and I mean, we did worse at the creek.”
My mouth falls open, and I feel my cheeks flame. We sure did, and I really can’t argue with him, so I hop up onto his lap. He’s warm and firm beneath me and his hand snakes around my waist, pulling me against him.
