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“Um… d-did you know I’m into… er…”
She smiled wider. “Into what?”
“Y-you know.” I turned my head away.
“I’m not gonna know if you don’t say it.”
“Being… muffled… like that.”
“Oh.” She laughed. “Um… nope! But I know now. I, uh, did it because I was pretty sure the entire rest of the park was going to hear you.”
Christ. I forgot we were in a treehouse. My face burned until there was no feeling left, just the prickling, and she rested her head on my chest, looking at me with that playful smile.
“But hey! Serendipity. Now I know. And I like knowing.”
“I, uh…” The slow realization of what we’d just done inched in, just like it had the other two times—a total bliss, a feeling like everything was right, but that aching sense somewhere far in the back of my head that this was not supposed to happen.
“Oh.” Paisley made a face. “I forgot to record it. That’s a shame.”
“Oh, uh—well. I mean, we don’t need to record every time…”
“Are you kidding?” She laughed. “I’d have watched the hell out of this one. God, that was so hot.”
“Um…” My face burned. I’d have, well… watched it a lot, too. I’d already touched myself far too many times to admit to the recording I had of the last time we… well.
“Go on,” Paisley said, voice light. “Say it.”
“Nothing. Just…”
She relaxed, lying on the tiny strip of bed next to me, propped up on her elbow. “You were thinking about how much you like that recording you have.”
“No!”
“Liar.”
“Ugh.” I turned my head away, blushing harder still. “I guess it was… on my mind.”
“Mm. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve watched our first one…”
“We—probably aren’t supposed to keep doing this anyway.”
I regretted it the second I’d said it. My chest tensed, like I’d stepped out onto the fragile surface and it started to crack, and there was an aching silence for a second before Paisley snorted. “Like I’ve ever done what I’m supposed to.”
That was more of a relief than it should have been. “I mean… fair enough.”
“Do you want to take a shower, or do you just want to crash with me all over your face?”
“Um.” I flushed. “You can go first, if you want. I, uh, need a minute longer to stand up.”
“It’s so cute how you get completely wiped out.” She stood up, bending to kiss my waist an inch below my navel, and she picked her clothes up off the floor. “I’ll just be a sec, then. If you fall asleep like this, do you want me to wipe your face? As pretty as you look like that, it might be bad for your skin.”
“Just, uh, you know, wake me up and I’ll take care of it.”
“Will do.” She just about skipped to the bathroom, looking for all the world like nothing could be better in life, and my chest ached watching her.
Why couldn’t I just do that too? Just stay here, keep doing whatever Paisley and I had been doing lately, keep kissing her, keep having sex, and be happy like she was?
I knew why. I just hated it. I hated whenever I resented it, but… I was resenting it.
