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“I needed to be in a safe space to work through my triggers and work through what happened during the episode.” Telling her as plainly as I can I go through the debrief I did with my therapist.
“That took two weeks?” she asks rightfully skeptically.
“No.” Pulling my hands away I tell her, “That took about three days in our beautiful home in the Osaka countryside.”
“And then?” She sits up her eyes troubled and searching mine.
“I needed to atone for my actions.” Grimly I explain, “I have to have consequences for my actions, or I will definitely repeat them.”
“So, I guess for almost killing me you exacted some pretty intense consequences on yourself and your guardian,” she muses sadly.
“Guard-guardian, what the fuck did you call him?” I’m utterly aghast.
“Your guardian. That’s what he is. He rises every time you are threatened, perceived, or otherwise.” She shrugs in a matter-of-fact way.
“Guardian. She called me Guardian. I’m starting to like this woman.” Hepreens.
“He’s a fucking monster, a monster. He is Monster.” I scoff at her. “This is fucking ridiculous. He almost killed you, Taylor.”
I want to rage at her. I keep my voice low and as calm as possible. I grit my teeth when she only waves me away.
“He sought to protect you. Left with no other recourse he tried to eliminate the treat. You stopped him. Your guardian immediately ceded control as soon as you stepped up. Now that you know you hold the power in this situation you can no longer abdicate control to him or use it as a cop-out.” Her gaze is all unwavering honey laced with steel. Her voice is strong.
Taking an involuntary step back, I digest information I’ve never been presented with in all my years of therapy and struggle. I ownMonster,hedoes not ownme.
Turning away from her, I look out into the garden. I think back to all the times when I took control back over as soon as I became aware just how out of controlhe’dgotten. The one and only time I was lost for an ostensibly long period was when my father died and I realized that Taylor had abandoned me. The darkness that surrounded me then started out as a warm comforting cocoon and fighting my way back was like a thick morass of bramble that clung and tore at my soul. Finally, I made my way out. Determined to never allowhimto take control of me again and that exercise alone not only proved futile it was unnecessary. I was in control as long as I remained brave enough to be.
The revelation has me turning back to her with a new hope and determination. “I still have to be careful until I know I have full control.” Holding myself rigid, I stand before her knowing I still don’t trust myself to be this near her.
She nods pulling the cover up around her for added protection. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I’m already shaking my head. Pausing I tilt my head her way tsking. “You, know that is not our way.”
“Well, you have to have a new way. Our life and our family need open communication.” Folding her arms across her chest she looks adorable.
“Our family will only every be you and me, Tay-chan.” I don’t drop the harshness from my tone. She needs to accept it now.
“Hi-”
“No.” I cut her off with a sharp slice of my hand. “I will not bequeath our child with this turmoil of a life. I will not continue the sickness rife in the Takeda legacy.” The vehemence in my voice has her eyes widening.
“The legacy of your family is also one of genius,” she says.
“And madness,” I counter quietly.
“Maybe some of that can be offset since y’all aren’t marrying your first cousins anymore.” She shrugs like she just didn’t say the most disrespectful ass thing ever, though somewhat true.
“Intermarriage has not been a thing for over a century in our family.” I return, humor turning the corner of my lip involuntarily.
“That’s not enough time to undo the damage. A little newness in the mix won’t hurt.” Another shrug.
“When did you decide you wanted to have my child? Was it before or after I almost choked you to death or left you here to bleed to death?” I drop cruelly between us relishing the flinch filtering across her face.
She exhales, shaken by my sudden attack. “The latter. When I saw all the blood, I realized what was happening. I never thought about having a family, not right now. Not before?—”
“Because you left me,” I cut in stating the facts unequivocally. No babies with a husband locked away in an insane asylum that you never even visited. I shove aside. I would have still been a danger to her much of that time. Still the abandonment and betrayal I feel is tearing at me like a vicious festering wound.
“Yes. And too young. I was just getting into my career and though you probably didn’t have tough hurtles, there were still things you wanted to accomplish like getting your doctorate. When I got back here my cycles were horrible, so I got the IUD removed. Did you finish your thesis?” So before I came to watch over her, that’s why I didn’t know.
