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“I know,” he says quietly.
“That didn’t have anything to do with you, but you made it about you.”
“I was trying to help.”
“And you made it way more complicated than it needed to be!”
He withdraws his hand. I bite the inside of my cheek. Why does this have to be so hard? Why can’t I just be grateful that he wants to help? Laura keeps telling me that James always has the best intentions, and I know that. I love that about him. But unlike the diner, this isn’t just about helping. This is something that affects us both, not just for now, but for the future, too.
“And like I said, I’ve apologized and apologized. Are we good or not, Bex?”
“We’re good.”
His eyes tell me that he doesn’t believe me. “Maybe about that, but not about this.”
“You can’t keep these things from me, especially if we’re supposed to be moving in together.” I blink back the tears that are burning in my eyes. “I can’t handle surprises, James. Especially where money is concerned.”
“We’re never going to have to worry about money if we’re smart.”
I wipe away the tear that escapes down my cheek. “What if we break up?”
“Baby, we’re not breaking up.”
I press my lips together, shaking my head. “No, I know. But what if? What if suddenly, things just... fall apart?”
“Why would they fall apart?”
My mind eagerly offers up half a dozen reasons. It’s not that I don’t trust him, but what if he finds someone he likes better and decides he wants to be with her? He keeps telling me I’m enough for him, I’m who he wants, but it’s one thing to hear it and another to internalize it. “I don’t know, it’s just... it’s your money, but you’re acting like it’s not.”
“The only thing I intend to use it for right now is to buy someplace for us to live.”
I scramble out of bed, nearly spilling the pasta in my haste to set the bowl on the nightstand. I pace, because that’s better than just sitting there under the scrutiny of his gaze. “And if it doesn’t work out, it’s your place, not mine.”
“We’re not breaking up,” he says again. His voice has a firmer edge to it now, and I know without looking at him that he’s starting to feel a little bit of fear. We’ve had good months since we decided to make this work, the issue with the diner aside, and here I am, throwing a grenade into everything. “We can talk about money, okay? No more secrets.”
“I... I don’t know if that’s enough.”
The admission startles me as well as him. I stop at the foot of the bed, accidentally banging my knee on the edge.
“Fuck,” I gasp. James is there in a second, kneeling to examine my knee. I grind my teeth, clutching his shoulder.
“Let me get you some ice.”
“It’s fine.”
“It’s going to bruise.”
“It’s fine,” I repeat, jerking away from him. “Just—stop, okay?”
He looks up at me. Normally when he’s on his knees, that means something good is coming my way, but right now the sight makes me sad.
“Bex,” he says. “Tell me what I’m doing wrong here. I thought I was just helping us get to where we decided we want to be.”
“I think maybe we’re moving too fast,” I whisper. “I’ve been ignoring it, because we’re not really living together for real right now, you know? But now I don’t have the dorm, and you have all this money for a house, and it’s not—we’re not—I don’t know, I feel like maybe we should live apart in Philly.”
I keep looking at him, so I see the moment his expression shifts. The concern for me is still there, but he’s guarded now, feeling out the situation. I set up a barrier between us—not impenetrable, but one that didn’t exist until this moment. He stands, swallowing hard, his hands fluttering at his sides like he wants to gather me into his arms, but is afraid I’ll jerk away.
I want nothing more than to be with him. To sleep beside him, even though he wakes me up way too early when he leaves for training. To keep up the life we’ve been building together, moment by moment. But up until a couple weeks ago, we were still in college. We don’t live alone here; his brothers are always around. Without the diner, it’s like I’ve been living in a dream version of real life, and now... now I need to think about getting a job, and paying off my student loans, and what if everything changes the moment we’re true adults, living true adult lives? What if I need to do it on my own eventually, and I fail because I never learned how to begin with?
