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She’d been surprised Lindsay wasn’t a woman and had almost bolted that first meeting six months ago. She’d needed a woman to talk to—not another man—not some man who would only be kind to her until he’d managed to get inside her. But so far, Dr. Smith hadn’t made any attempts to fuck her, and his mask of kindness had yet to slip. Maybe he was her unicorn.
The front door opened. Dr. Smith wore a tailored dark pinstripe suit and seemed to glide into the building on a cloud of authority.
“Have you been waiting long?”
She gestured to the five half-smoked cigarettes in the tray, each with her siren red lipstick print on it. When she got like this, she couldn’t make it through a whole cigarette before she was snubbing it out and compulsively lighting another. She’d convinced herself that first inhalation was the best. It brought the deepest calm. After a few minutes she became impatient with anything less and lit another.
“I see,” he said, grimly. “Give me a moment.”
It was Sunday—a day he didn’t normally see patients. It felt weird to be here without the buffer of someone else in the reception area.
The doctor was in his fifties, judging by the salt and pepper gray at his temples and the lines on his face. He had a calm, commanding presence—exactly the type of man she’d fantasized about finding but didn’t think could be real. He was probably too old for her, but in shape and good looking. Mina was embarrassed to admit even inside her own mind that she’d masturbated to many fantasies of him.
Her previous masters had been closer to her own age. Maybe it was age. Maybe an older guy, someone like Dr. Smith wouldn’t be… She shook herself out of the thought. He would be like all the others. And just because he was a kink-friendly therapist didn’t mean he was kinky. Or looking for a partner even if he was.
Stop it. This is what’s wrong with you. This is why this keeps happening. Just stop!
The doctor poked his head out. “I’m ready for you, Mina.” His voice was a deep lullaby, and she found herself coaxed the few steps into his exotic, plant-filled sanctuary.
“No smoking around the orchids,” he reminded her gently.
Mina snubbed out her sixth half-smoked cigarette, reapplied her lipstick, straightened her long black pencil skirt, and crossed the threshold. Even at the emotional level she was at, she’d dressed for him. She couldn’t bring herself to let him see her in sweatpants with her hair in disarray. She was already about to blubber and cry all over him. There was no need to be even more pathetic.
His inner office was part of what kept her coming back. For all her hesitance about him not being a female doctor, his office created a safe space that few other places did for her anymore. The walls were a soothing lavender to match the orchids that lined the wall. The dark oak desk and coffee table were the only things that kept the room masculine.
Lindsay bypassed the coffeemaker and put some water on to boil in a tea kettle, then he pulled out a notebook and flipped to a fresh page.
“Another nightmare?”
Mina nodded. Her hand shook as she swiped the tears off her cheeks. Shouldn’t all this feellesstraumatic by now? Instead of more? She’d been able to cope just as long as she could deny how bad it had been.
He scribbled a few notes. “Tell me about it.”
“I-it’s always the same dream. You know the dream.” She couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud again. He must have twenty pages of notes by now on just this one dream—Jason abusing her in front of his friends. He whipped her, cut her, put out cigarettes on her, then he passed her around. Each time she woke, she could feel the blood running down her back. Each time she panicked and thought it was still happening, but it was only sweat.
It would be so simple if it were just a dream, but it had happened. The worst part was that she hadn’t left him that night. She’d stayed until he’d kicked her out months later.
“You’ve gone a while without the dream,” the doctor commented as he flipped back several pages. “What do you think triggered it this time?”
“I went on a date.”
“With someone in the lifestyle? Do you think that’s wise, given your track record with men?”
Mina looked up sharply. Was he blaming her now? It sounded like a softer echo of Jason’s words—as if it was her fault men had beaten her, like there was something fundamentally broken that lured only dangerous animals to her door.
But she didn’t have the energy to lash out. And in truth, she was afraid to. What if the doctor hurt her, too? He felt like her last hope in the world. If he turned on her, she wouldn’t be able to leave her apartment again.
“N-no. It w-wasn’t someone in the lifestyle. It was just a regular guy.”
“Did he hurt you?”
She shook her head. “I’m not going out with him again. He wouldn’t understand my weirdness. It wouldn’t work.” She left unspoken the fear that he might hurt her, too.
Tony had seemed perfectly nice. He hadn’t done anything to set off warning bells. And he was a cousin of a friend of hers. That made him not a totally random and unknown element.
“Maybe you should be single for a while,” Lindsay said.
“I’ve been single for ten months. I’m broken. I can’t do kink. I can’t do vanilla. I can’t be with anybody without having nightmares, but I’m so lonely I can’t breathe.”
