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He was the first boy I fooled around with… He took my virginity. I slap my forehead as I dump my purse in the foyer and kick my shoes off.He took my virginity.
Okay, he’s the club’s Sergeant at Arms, so it’s his job to make sure that anything or anyone who is deemed club property is protected, that part I get. But when I look at him, it’s like he’s battling some inner demon that I just can’t figure out.
The night we got close again, over two years ago, he stopped it. He rejected me. He told me that what we’re doing was wrong, that what we didthat nightand many other nights, was wrong.
I’d dropped out of college for a while, and our parents were moving to New Orleans and I was going with them. It was a few months after the frat party, after months of avoiding each otherand him being overbearing because I knew he was watching me from a distance. Just like he does now.
He doesn’t want me, but he doesn’t want anyone else to have me either.
Typical asshole biker. Or just typical asshole Tag.
When did he get this grouchy?
When did he go from being my annoying older stepbrother to this man?
He doesn’t even speak. He grunts. Like opening his mouth is some kind of hardship for him.
He has always been hard to talk to, but never like this.
It’s like something snapped in him after he was forced into retirement. He retreated. His fun-loving nature disappeared, along with his smile that I never see anymore.
My beautiful beast.
His eyes, though. My god. His eyes are the windows to his soul.
They’re bright blue and so vivid. Even when he won’t say shit to me, I can tell exactly what his emotions are through his eyes. As much as he likes to try to pretend he’s just ‘doing his job’ I know differently. I know the real Thomas.
The one who hides away behind his muscles and foul mouth. The man who I know would drop everything to make sure that I’m safe. But why does he continue to push me away?
Aside from the elephant in the room, of course. Us and our history don't help.
More to the point, why does my heart still ache for him all these years later?
I don’t want to remember the man he used to be because he was different then.
Has he always had an attitude? Hell, yeah. But it was different then. Now he’s just plain mean.
And what’s worse? He’s good at it.
As I run myself a bath, I wonder what the hell I’m gonna do about getting a new car. I’ve got a little bit saved but not a lot. I’d have to get a loan, but my credit isn’t that great due to being late on my student loans all those years ago that magically vanished, and my credit card bills that lagged for months. I sincerely doubt my dad had a change of heart and paid them, or maybe he added it to his bill. The only other person with a lot of money is Tag, but it isn’t like he would’ve come to my rescue. At least, I don’t think so.
Then there was…him.Gary. The man I hooked up with. To say he’d come back to haunt me was an understatement, but after I borrowed that money from my dad, he went away.
And for a while, that’s where he stayed. Buried in the past. But the funny thing about the past is that it always comes back to haunt you.
No, I don’t want to think about Gary any more than I want to think about Tag, but at least with Tag, it was real. He’d never purposely hurt me, not like Gary did. He’d never try to blackmail me in the worst possible way.
He recorded us having sex and threatened me with it when I didn’t want to continue seeing him. He said he’d put it on a sex website and send it to all my friends and family as well as my work colleagues. Stupidly, I went along with his demands because I was dumb and naïve and didn’t know what to do. Going to the police would only result in further embarrassment.
After Brian, I was lonely, and Gary had seemed nice. He wasn’t exactly my type, and I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere, but we hooked up a couple of times and the sex was great. But that’s all it was. Months later, he sent me a text saying he had something important to discuss. Little did I know that it would be my dignity on the chopping block.
When Gary’s threats became real, I shut myself off from men. I couldn’t deal with any more heartbreak, especially afterBrian’s betrayal. I still dread it every time I get an unknown call. I have to live with looking over my shoulder to make sure he’s not following me, not that he’s done that in years. He just kinda drifted away once he got his money, which is what I prayed he’d do.
Out of sight, out of mind.
If Tag knew. He’d go psycho. But it’s my shame and I’ve put it behind me, never once understanding how people can be so cruel.
My father has called a couple of times for me to come and repay my debt, and he won’t take money as payback. He still wants me to work at his office. I figure the longer I avoid him, the better.
