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"What I meant is, do you really think that man would have come to your house, sat with you while you were sick, fed you, gave you medicine, all of that, if he didn't care?"
"I never said I thought he didn't care. I'm sure he does, as a friend, maybe even on some intimate level, but generally, caring about someone and loving them are two very different things."
"What reason did you give him for ending it?" Sophie inquires.
I sigh. "I kind of didn't."
I explain what happened with the text he saw, our exchange of words, or my lack of them, after him finding it.
"Damn, that's harsh," Lexa says.
"Thanks for making me feel so much better," I deadpan.
"I think you should have told him," Sophie states. "Or at the very least let him know exactly why you were ending it. He deserved that truth, and a chance to tell you how he felt."
"What is there to tell? He doesn't feel the same. He's not in love with me. We can laugh together, joke with each other, anytime we're alone our clothes end up coming off, but all that does notequal him loving me like I do him. So I tell him how I feel, and he tells me he doesn't feel the same. Then I still have to let him go. And I'd end up right where I am now. Brokenhearted, mourning a man I can never have. Yes, I lied to him to end things, but in lying to him, I protected him from knowing just how badly it's hurting me to end things."
"Protecting him?" Sophie asks softly. "Or protecting yourself? Because you're assuming he doesn't feel the same, and ending things with him because of it, because you're too afraid to ask. Maybe if you tell him you want more, he'll be willing to give it to you."
"Maybe I am protecting myself," I admit. "I'm already hurting from having to let him go. I don't really have much interest in making it worse by hearing him confirm he doesn't feel the same. My heart broke when I said goodbye to him, but it'll be a different kind of heartache to realize all of the feelings I have for him aren't returned."
"But what if they are?" Lexa pushes.
"They aren't," I shoot right back.
"Do you regret being with him?" Sophie all but whispers.
I don't even have to think. I'm shaking my head as soon as she's done speaking. "Not a single moment of it. I'd do it all over again, knowing the amount of pain I'd be in right now."
Lexa hums. "Now that's a good definition of love if I ever heard one. It seems to me that love and pain go hand in hand."
Sophie shakes her head. "How the hell are you encouraging her to give love a try one second, and then making a statement like that the next? Pick a side, Lexa."
"I am on whatever side makes you guys happiest." She looks pointedly at me. "And, Char, I gotta say, you don't look toohappy right now. So, while I'd encourage you to stay firmly on the 'I hate love' side with me, I gotta say you look like you might be happier in the 'love suckered me in' side with Sophie."
We all burst out laughing, and it feels so good, even if her words hurt. Because love just isn't an option for me. Not when the man I love doesn't know I love him. Not when I want love, and he only wants the lust.
"Yeah, well," I heave a deep breath, "I don't really have that option. I love him so I had to choose between continuing and lying to him about what it is we were doing together or ending things and being true to my heart. I chose the truer option."
"I think you chose to lie to him about how you feel and are lying to yourself that you'll be okay without him," Lexa tells me.
"Can't you ever just let a girl delude herself, Lexa?"
"A friend would never." But she says it with a smile.
I look down at Shawn, because it seems easier to look at him than at the truth staring back at me in Lexa and Sophie's faces. The truth that I should have been honest with him. That I should have told him how I felt and asked him if there was anything in his heart for me, or offered him an opportunity to give me his truth and say that he wasn't interested in that with me. I should have given him a chance. A chance. But now, it's too late.
"I love him," I say softly, if only because I feel like I need to say it to someone. I could only ever say it to Jackson while he slept. I need to tell someone awake. But even as I repeat the words, I still don't look at Sophie and Lexa. I can't. "I love him. I love him. And I'll never have him."
"Oh, don't cry, or I'll get to crying," Lexa warns.
"I'm still full of hormones, so I'll definitely start crying," Sophie adds.
I give a dry chuckle. "Luckily for you guys, I think I'm all out of tears after the past few days. Besides, I wouldn't wanna wake up the little man." So I do the best thing and change the subject. "Wait a minute, I was lured here with a smile, and all I've seen is a sleeping baby."
"I might have to get a refund for him if he doesn't start performing on cue," Sophie jokes.
I laugh, but it cuts off when I feel a tingling on my skin, the hairs rising on the back of my neck, and down my arms. He's here. I can feel it. My heart speeds up at the knowledge that he's close, anxiety filling me, and still, still, excitement at seeing him. But it's Law who walks through the door first.
