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"That's really shitty."
"Especially when she, of course, knew what we wanted from the beginning, and told us it was something she wanted too, what she was looking for. In the end, it kinda felt like we were just this...experiment for her. A good time."
I arch a brow. "You sure you're not still hurt by it?"
He chuckles. "I'm not. I always felt something was...off. That she wasn't all in, but I had no reason to feel that way until she proved me right in the end. For me, it didn't feel like a loss so much as it felt like a slap in the face reminding us that we're not what society deems normal, and few woman will actually want a future of explaining our relationship to ignorant people. But for Ezekiel, it was about the fact that he trusted what she said, when she, in fact, truly meant something else. So now, I guess he kind of wonders how he can believe that anyone says again. What’s to stop someone else from lying with a smile just like she did? It makes him more reluctant to want anything more than sex."
"And clearly reluctant to spend the night in the bed with the woman he fucked all night."
"Honestly, I'm surprised you care so much."
"Not as surprised as me," I murmur. "I don't understand any of this. Why I miss you two. Why I think about you both so much. I usually find it so easy to—"
"Act like the feelings don't exist?"
"To not have any feelings at all," I blurt out, anger in my words. At myself. At them, for making these emotions rise in me.
"But it's not so easy now?"
I swallow just to keep the emotions rising in my throat from suffocating me. Still, my voice is hoarse when I admit, "No."
He gives me a soft smile. "It's mutual, you know. So, you don't have to look so terrified, Lexa."
For a moment, I let his words soothe me, comfort me, but then Ezekiel's words from that night ring in my mind. His absence right now making me pull back as much as my heart will allow.
"Mutual means something a little different with us and Ezekiel though, doesn't it? It may be mutual with you, but with him, I don't think it ever will be."
Because Ezekiel's too scared to trust, and I'm terrified to love. Nothing can come of this, even if I very hesitantly let myself think otherwise. Which means, nothing can come of me continuing to sit here with Jeremiah either, having this very conversation. If I can't have one, I can't have the other. I don't love either of them, and still, I feel a pain in my heart as I begin to rise from the bed.
"I'm gonna take a shower," I say.
"Hey, hey." Jeremiah gives me a look that tells me he knows exactly what I'm doing and starts to get off the bed too.
"You can head to my kitchen while I'm in there and get everything ready for when Ezekiel gets here.”
I try to soften the blow, but his sad eyes tell me that I've failed. But I have to go. Right now. I need to get away from everything we've just said. From all that I've just admitted. From the openness Jeremiah is offering me. I walk into my bathroom and turn the shower on. Only once the water is hitting the tiles do I release a shuddering breath, sure that Jeremiah won't be able to hear it. I step under the water, closing the shower door behind me and let the too hot spray relieve me of my thoughts for justa moment. I'm only in the shower for a few minutes though, before I feel the cold air of the door being opened behind me.
Jeremiah's hand is moving my hair aside a moment later, then his beard is scraping my skin with him pressing his lips along the back of my neck, leaving goosebumps in their wake. My eyes close at the feel of them.
"Do you want me to go?" he asks against my skin.
I should say yes. I know I should tell him to go. To use this time to gather myself, fortify myself. But instead, when my mouth opens, a word different than the one I should be giving comes out.
"Stay," I breathe.
His arms wrap around me and I stupidly back into his body, seeking his closeness, seeking more of his embrace. His cock is hard between my ass cheeks, turning my mind from our conversation to the heat building in me in an instant. As if he can sense it, or maybe his desire is a reflection of mine, one arm releases me so his hand can trail down my stomach. I moan when it reaches my clit, his middle finger circling it as I grind back on him.
"Are we...allowed to..."
His dark chuckle does very wicked things to my body. "Yes, Lexa. Are you too sore?"
"Not for you. Never for you."
I reach down, between my thighs, to bring my fingers to the tip of his cock, holding it to my pussy as I rock my hips back and forth, making his cock slide through my wetness. His groan in my ear seems to be what makes us both begin to move faster, his finger moving harder on me, my hips bucking now. Then I turn, my face tilted up so there's no doubt about what I want.His mouth meets mine, tongue lashing, hands rough on my ass, pushing me into him.
I walk backwards, steering him towards the large, wide bench at the back of the shower. Our mouths break apart when he sits down, and I waste no time climbing into his lap, straddling him as I reach between us to wrap my hand around his cock. I bring my lips back to his and our kiss this time is gentle, sensual, and slow, my sigh mingling with his groan as I slide down on him.
I am still sore, but I find I like the pain, that it only adds to the pleasure of him filling me. His arms wrap around my lower back, pulling me close to him. He arches up into me and I move my hips forward to meet him. That's how we fuck, or maybe it's more but I don't let my mind linger too long on that thought. I don't rise and fall on him, no sounds of our bodies meeting. Just him arching to make his cock slide deeper into me each time I circle my hips forward. Just our lips separating but both our tongues peeking out to circle each other's. Just soft sighs and moans from me and deep groans and dark grunts from him.
