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"Two." She chuckles. "I can record them and show it to you if you're too exhausted."
"No, no." I sigh, sitting up straight. "I want to see each one live, but God, I don't know if it's jetlag or what the hell, but I am so freaking tired."
Or maybe it's that I've stayed up until three in the morning the past two days either on the phone or texting Jeremiah and Ezekiel. Even after I was done talking to them, I'd stay up for another half an hour tormenting myself by asking what the hell I was thinking letting things get this far. Then, I'd roll to my side, close my eyes, and spend the next half an hour convincing myself it was safe to go even further. To place trust in them. To feel the amount of safety with them that I did. A near constant war now. It both scares me and excites me that my heart is winning, but there's always that whisper in the back of my mind.
At what cost?
I check my phone as we wait for next band to set up and furrow my brows at still not having a response from neither Ezekiel nor Jeremiah for the past few hours. Maybe there was some emergency at the gym.
"Is there anything specific you'd like us to play?" the singer asks, making me look up at him.
I put my phone in my lap. "Whatever you want to play is fine."
By the time we're through with the bands for the day, I am fighting to keep my eyes open, and my stomach growls so loudly that Heather looks over at me with wide eyes.
"Hungry?" she snickers.
"Famished is more like it. I saw this restaurant on the way here that I thought—"
"No!" she exclaims, making my brows shoot up. "I mean, I...I heard the food at the hotel is to die for. You should order something there."
"O...kay. Anything special?"
"The burger."
"A burger?"
She gives an awkward smile and nods. We discuss details that still need to be settled for the event on the way back to the hotel, and I check my phone every few minutes, wondering why the hell I still have no texts. I'm close to texting Sophie and Charlotte to see if they've heard anything, but they already tease me enough for how much I talk to Jeremiah and Ezekiel, and the way they've caught me smiling at my phone when one of them texts.
"Everything okay?" Heather asks.
"Waiting on a text." She grins and I give her an exasperated look. "Not you, too."
She puts her hands up. "I didn't say anything. I just may have noticed the way you light up whenever you see certain names on your screen."
"It's...new. I don't know. Maybe the excitement is just because of that."
"Well, I don't have much experience in the love department, but I do know from watching my parents who are utterly,disgustinglyin love..." She gives an eye roll. "That I can tell you it isn't always excitement that makes you react like that. They've been married thirty years and still look like that if you so much as mention the other's name."
I smile.Smile! When have I ever smiled at talking about love instead of scowling at it?
"That's how it is with Sophie and Charlotte, but I honestly just can't imagine feeling like that. Not forever anyway. It seems like something that happens in books, not real life. Love to me feels very...fleeting. Like all it takes is one wrong action or word to turn into anger, enmity, hatred, contempt. Suddenly, love has conditions and boundaries when before people spoke as if it was limitless. I don't see the point in it."
For the first time though, I feel like a liar saying all of this. Oh, I believe it's true. My mother's many great loves of her life have taught me that well enough, but as I look out the window, I wonder if another kind of love can exist for me. If I could ever trust myself to love someone like that. If I could ever trust someone saying they love me like that. When I begin to see Jeremiah and Ezekiel in my mind, I'm quick to pick up my phone and stare at their lack of messages to me all day, a reminder not to think too deeply about them at all.
"What are your plans for the night?" I ask Heather.
"Well, I might have tried to see if I could find a date on an app around here." She chuckles. "But after that little talk, I think I'll just stick to a hook up and call it a night."
I roll my eyes. "That's just my cynical heart. By all means, go out and fall in love and have some long-distance relationship where he ends up moving for you and you get married at sunset."
"Only if you'll plan the wedding."
I laugh. "Deal. All I need is a groom's name to get started."
"Hmm, this guy named Sonny sounds pretty promising on the app I'm on."
We spend the rest of the ride to the hotel and the elevator ride up swiping through pictures. By the time we've reached our rooms, across the hall from each other, I have stolen her phone to press like four times.
