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Just like the rest of my siblings. Six of the nine are married and living their happily ever after, and I couldn’t be happier for them. It also reminds me of what I lost.
My family has a motto. Work hard, and love harder. It’s something our dad shared with us a lot growing up, and we’ve all molded our lives around it. I’ve loved Jordyn as hard as I could for both of us since the moment she left, and I want nothing more for her to be back in my life. A permanent part of my world, but at the same time, I need answers.
She’s my one.
I feel it deep in my chest, but sometimes love might not be enough. That’s a hard pill I’ve had to learn to swallow since she’s been gone. I decided after a late night of drinking with my brothers that I’d give her time. I’d wait for her internship to end and for her to come home and, then we could make decisions from there. I didn’t know then that she would extend her time by six months.
I want her.
I love her.
I just don’t know if that’s enough.
“I agree,” Declan says, pulling me out of my thoughts. “She can wait.”
“Tell us where your head is at?” Orrin asks.
“Can we wait to have this conversation when everyone is here? I don’t really feel like slicing open my heart more than once if I can prevent it.”
“Give me five.” Brooks saunters off. He stops and kisses his wife, Palmer, rubbing her pregnant belly, before he makes his rounds, pulling all of my brothers to follow him like the Pied Piper.
“Let’s step away,” Rushton suggests. He turns and walks away, and we all follow.
I love and hate this all at once. I love my brothers and would lay my life down for them, their wives, and their kids. However, I hate that closeness when I’m the one they're trying to fix. They mean well, and hell, I’ve done it to each of them at one point or the other. I just hate being the one on the receiving end.
I follow my brothers to the other side of the park. I wait for them to talk, but when I see Brooks look over his shoulder, I follow his gaze and see Deacon making his way toward us. Deacon is married to my cousin Ramsey and he might as well be another brother, because we love Ramsey as if she were our sister.
“Sorry, I had to move Bryn to her momma. She finally conked out for her nap with all the excitement.”
“Tell us where your head is at?” Orrin repeats his earlier words.
“I assume you all know about Jordyn texting me?” I ask, even though I know the answer. I get a group of nods, causing me to release a heavy sigh. “I don’t know where my head is if I’m being honest. It’s all over the fucking place.”
“Do you still love her?” Sterling asks.
“Yes.” Loving Jordyn was never the issue. “But the hurt, it’s still there. It’s been two damn years, and I still want her, but I’m so fucking mad at her. I don’t know how to deal with either emotion.”
“So let’s break this down,” Maverick says. “You should start by deciding if you want to fight.”
“Wow.” Archer pats Maverick on the back. “Who are you and where is my little brother?”
“Fuck off.” Maverick laughs. “I’ve watched you assholes all fuck up time and time again with your women. I know what not to do, so thanks for that.” He smirks.
“Yeah, we’ve been watching and learning,” Merrick parrots.
“It’s a good question,” Deacon chimes in.
I think about the question, letting it roll around in my mind. Not that I need to. I know the answer. I just give myself time to wonder if I could give her up, and the answer is no. Not unless I know there is no hope for us at all. Even then, I’m not sure I could ever really let her go.
“Yeah,” I tell them. “I want to fight.”
“We need a plan,” Rushton speaks up.
“I want to fight for her, for us. Fuck, guys, I feel as though that’s all I’ve been doing. The last two years loving her from afar, trying to keep this… whatever this is alive. I want her. I love her. That hasn’t changed.”
“What has?” Sterling asks.
“The pain. It’s deeper, more concrete, and no matter how badly I want to run to her, I know that it’s not that easy. I want to fight, but I need her to do the same.”
“Ryder, bro, I hear you,” Orrin says. “But you have to give her the chance to fight.”
“I know.”
“That means you need to reply and see where it goes,” Brooks adds.
“I know. I just… I’m not ready for her to tell me it’s over.”
