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“Yeah, I know. I think it’s because I hated her. You know? I feel guilty because I didn’t want her to die. Even after everything she did to my brother. She was still my mom. Not a good one, but the only one I had.”
Palmer nods. “We’re here for you. Have you thought about talking to a professional?” She runs her fingers through Remi’s hair, as she is lying with her head on her mom’s lap, looking at a book.
“I have. I know there are resources, and Ryder has encouraged me to do so as well. Honestly, I think I just need some time.”
“That makes sense. However, please don’t suffer in silence. It’s okay to ask for help. You can call any of us at any time, and we’ll be here for you.”
“Thank you.” My voice is full of emotion. “I’m tired of crying.” I wave my hands in front of my face as if it’s going to keep the tears at bay.
“It’s healthy,” Brooks says, coming back into the room. “You ladies okay while I get started on lunch?”
“You mean since the last time you checked ten minutes ago before you packed in the groceries?” Palmer asks.
He leans down and kisses her belly, kisses Remi on the forehead, and then presses his lips to Palmer's. “Yes, since then.” He taps her nose with his index finger, and she smiles up at him adoringly.
“We’re fine. Thank you.” Palmer finally relents.
He points at me, silently asking if I need anything.
“I’m all set. Thank you for taking such good care of me.”
“Family, J. You’re family.”
He stalks off toward the kitchen to make lunch.
The rest of the afternoon is spent talking and laughing and watching Remi play with Tucker. It’s another good day surrounded by great company. I don’t have time to let the guilt take over, even though it’s lingering, always making itself known. Instead, when Ryder gets home, I’m still laughing and smiling, and when I tell him I’ve had a good day, I mean it.
I’m still struggling with the loss of the woman who gave birth to me but had no feelings toward me. Even the police ruled it as an accident. I know some of my guilt comes from my hatred for her and what she did to my brother. But I’m going to give myself some grace, and if I can’t get past it, I’ll ask for help. I have so many people in my corner now. I know they’ll be there if and when I need them.
“What did we get him?” I ask Ryder. We’re in the truck on the way to Orrin and Jade’s house for Orion’s second birthday. “That box is huge.” I take another look over my shoulder to glance at the giant box in the back seat of his truck.
“Right?” Ryder glances over at me, and the smile on his face is almost as big as the box wrapped in toy trucks. Almost. “It’s this huge-ass semi. It’s got lights and horns and sirens, and a huge trailer on the back. When you open the trailer, there are three side-by-side UTVs in the back that he can pull out and play with.”
“Sounds great. I could have wrapped it and pitched in.” I don’t have a job, but I do still have some money in savings. I need to start thinking about my next move once the cast is removed.
“Sweets, my money is your money, and besides, I’m an expert gift wrapper. Eight brothers, and lots of littles running around and you get good at it.”
“Are you saying your gift-wrapping skills are superior to mine?” I pretend to be offended.
“I mean….” His voice trails off, and I swat playfully at his arm.
Instantly, I freeze. My breath stalls in my chest.
“I’m so sorry.”
He glances over at me.
“No. Look at the road. Please, Ryder, don’t look at me.”
He nods and checks his mirrors before signaling to turn into the parking lot of the grocery store. He puts the truck in Park, climbs out of the truck, and comes to my side. He pulls open the door, unbuckles my seat belt, and turns me carefully to face him, being mindful of my leg. I close my eyes, not wanting to see the disappointment in his for my actions. I could have caused another accident.
I could have lost Ryder.
“Look at me, baby.” His tone is gentle and full of patience.
I shake my head. I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to see.
I feel his lips press to my forehead. “Jordyn, baby, I need those pretty brown eyes.”
Forcing myself to face the moment, I peel my eyelids open. “I’m sorry.” Tears prick the back of my eyes.
“You did nothing wrong, Jordyn. Nothing. That simple touch on my arm was featherlight, and we were safe the entire time. That touch, your touch, was not going to cause anything bad to happen to either of us.”
