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Jack looks like I struck him. A small inkling of guilt flares in my gut, but I’m quick to smother it. I knew the toxic mess between him and his ex. All of our friends know about it. Fuck. At this point, I’m pretty sure the whole school knows about it and most of us have never even met Siri. Her reputation precedes her.
I’m starting to wonder how much of it is really on her though. From where I’m standing, Jack is not so innocent. He still goes with her to visit her grandparents. Continues to respond to herevery time she texts. Doesn’t talk to me when she’s around, even after swearing to me she’s aware the two of us are dating.
Being there for a friend after their latest falling out was easy. Being his shoulder to cry on is a spot I’ve occupied for the majority of our lives. Sitting at his kitchen table, talking with his parents, keeping him out of trouble, and mitigating their disappointment in him. I’m used to taking care of him. Understanding and trusting him was easy. I never had big ideas about love and relationships anyway.
Comfort, a spark, fun. It was all I needed to believe in. We had that much. So when he looked at me with those soulful brown eyes one night, when he held his breath and leaned in, when the moment slowed and the tension built, I didn’t break it. For the first time in our friendship, I didn’t turn away. Didn’t clear my throat and laugh awkwardly. I leaned in too.
I sigh as memories flash in my mind. “Don’t give me that look. I know you better than anyone. You have no shot of finding your happiness until you cut ties with Siri and sort out the mess in your head that constantly self-sabotages.”
His brown eyes weigh on me. “And will you still be there when I figure it out?”
I look away from him, clenching my fists. “I will always be here for you. As your friend.”
He scoffs, rage bleeding into the sound unlike anything he’s ever pointed in my direction before. “Of course. Back into the friend-zone. Isn’t that always how it is with you, Torryn?”
Well, I’m not exactly known for my warm personality. I stay silent though, waiting for him to get whatever is brewing behind that rage off his chest.
“You give just enough. Just enough to garner interest. Just enough to tease that you might be willing to be something real. But as soon as shit gets too deep, you pull away. Erect your walls even higher than before. Go back to being a stone-cold bitch.”
Each word cuts deeper than the last, but I’d never let it show. Instead, I click my tongue. “Are you done?” There’s nothing else to say. I’m not going to defend why I am the way I am. He, of all people, should know. He was there. He got closer than almost anyone. He could have had everything he wanted so damn badly. If he had just chosen me. Plucked up the courage to tell Siri to fuck off once and for all. Stopped this charade of being helpless against her and holding on to both of us.
His laugh is a bitter and chilling sound. “There she is.”
I tap my fingers against my arm. “What would you like me to say, Jack? That you’re right? You know you are. But if you don’t have anything new to add to the insults I’ve heard all through high school, save your breath and let’s end it here. Yeah?”
“Tor, please don’t.” His tone suddenly shifts to begging. Where did all his anger go?
I take a deep breath and prepare the speech I’ve been practicing all week. Despite what he, and everyone else seems to say about me, I don’t enjoy hurting someone. Especially not someone I’ve considered a close friend for most of my life. “You are stuck on a messy merry-go-round. You and Siri chase each other for a high I can’t even comprehend. You fight to one up the other. Never getting off the ride, just going faster and faster. You swore this time was different. That you were finally leaving the never ending cycle. All our friends thought this time was different. I thought this time was different. But we’ve all been lying to ourselves. Everyone thought we were going to be good. You’d get me to open up, and I’d keep you off the ride. But we were all wrong because you didn’t, Jack. You didn’t get off the merry-go-round, not even for a moment. You just dragged me onto it with you.” I smile sadly as I think about the hope in our friends' eyes when they found out about us. Turns out it was too much pressure for me. Being the one to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
“I want off, Jack. I don’t want to be wrapped up in this mess any longer. Wondering if I’m enough. If I can compete with the high you get from fighting with her. I don’t compare myself to other girls, and I’m not starting now. Not for this. You want the adrenaline? You can have it, but I won’t be a part of it anymore. I’m too busy to compete for something that should never be a competition.”
His fists clench at his sides, but he looks struck. Lost. Heartbroken. It tugs at my heart.
“You’re always too busy, Torryn. Too busy to look in my direction for years. Too busy to go to parties together. Too busy to come to my house after school. Too busy to get high at lunch. You always have something better to do. Somewhere to go. Someone to take care of.”
I close my eyes against his anger.
“How was I supposed to get off the ride when you wouldn’t give me anything to hold on to instead?”
Why wouldn’t it be my fault? Why wouldn’t it come back to this? I never should have leaned in. I should have known better. I was never going to be enough.
“I think you should leave. We should both stop before we say something we can’t take back and ruin what little friendship we still have.”
His hands slam down against the hood of his car and I hug myself tighter, shifting on my feet as the wind picks up. “I don’t want your friendship, Ryn. I want you, all of you.”
I shake my head. “You had the chance and you blew it. I’m getting off the ride now.” I start to say something else when I notice his eyes widening. “I’ll still be your friend. Please just be happy with that,” I continue, weighing my words as I watch his expression shift into something I don’t understand. His hand lands on my bicep and squeezes, his eyes not on my face at all. I huff in exasperation. He’s not even listening anymore.
“Are you seriously just going to ignore me now?”
Still, he says nothing, his head now turned away from me and looking down my street. I turn to see what has captured his attention so thoroughly, but don’t see anything other than a car heading our way.
He’s murmuring something to himself and his hand tightens around my arm. “Ow, Jack. What the fuck?” I try to rip my arm from his grip, but he doesn’t release it, still watching the car headed for us. Shit.
It’s headed right for us.
Or me.
It’s headed straight for me, faster than it should be going.
