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Daddy carried me into his office and set me in his lap. I straddled him before burying my head against his neck and breathing in his scent.
“Okay, baby, take your time,” he said as he kissed my forehead, “but before we go to bed tonight, you’re going to tell me what’s wrong. I think you’ll feel so much better if you share your secret with Daddy.”
I nodded and played with the buttons on his shirt as I kept my head pressed to his neck. “Can I touch your skin?” I asked.
He quickly pulled my shirt, bra, and tutu off before unbuttoning his own shirt. I sighed in relief when my skin rested against his. I loved to be skin to skin. I stayed nakey a lot of the time just so I could snuggle with Daddy and Uncle Maddox whenever I wanted.
“It has something to do with Uncle Maddox, doesn’t it?” Daddy asked once I was situated.
I nodded again.
"I want you to use your words, baby."
"Yes, sir. It does have something to do with Uncle Maddox."
Daddy reached up and cupped my cheek. He stroked my face softly with his thumb. “You can tell Daddy anything,” he assured me. My eyes filled with tears. The heavy feeling of guilt filled my tummy, and I thought I might be sick.
“Reagan, baby, look at Daddy,” he commanded. He looked really worried. “I thought I knew what was wrong, but you’re so scared I am starting to think maybe I misunderstood.” He held my chin so I couldn’t look away.
Despite my fear, I met his eyes. “Are you unhappy with our arrangement?” he asked with genuine concern. His worry only made me feel worse.
“No, Daddy. I love you and Uncle Maddox so much,” I said as my voice trembled and tears rolled down my face. “You’re the best part of my life.”
“Do you want a life without being Little? Is it too much being a full-time Little girl? I thought you were happy, but things—” I slammed my hands over his mouth, silencing him. I didn’t want him to finish those thoughts.
“No, Daddy. Being your Little girl makes me so very happy. I never, ever want that to change,” I answered before removing my hands. I briefly wondered if he was going to scold me for interrupting him, but he didn't. He just looked relieved.
“I wanted to give you time to process these big feelings on your own, but you’ve been so sick and afraid. I’ve run through every scenario in my head, but I just can’t figure out what’s going on, baby. When I realized it was something with Uncle Maddox, I felt a lot better, but now I’m not so sure. Tell me so I can fix it. Let me help.” He rested his forehead against mine. “Whatever it is, I promise it’s going to be okay.”
I buried my head against his neck again before sobbing, “I love you so big, but I think maybe I love Uncle Maddox too. I love you the most of all and I don’t want to be in a relationship with Uncle Maddox. But these feelings won’t go away. I thought my body was just confused because I kept getting wet around him, but now I think my heart is confused too. I don’t know. I’m sorry, Daddy!” I babbled as I tried to explain the feelings that had been holding me captive for weeks.
Daddy’s hand pressed firmly against my back, and he started to rock me in his chair. “Oh, baby. Daddy thought that might be what was wrong. It’s okay. Shhhhhh. Daddy’s not angry, not even a little,” he promised as he pried me from my hiding spot against his neck. I met his eyes because he forced my chin up. “Baby, I’m so sorry. Daddy should have talked to you about this in the very beginning, but you were so sick when Maddox joined our family that I put it off and then I never thought to bring it back up. Clearly, I can see now I should have talked tobothof you about it sooner.”
I was so confused.
“You probably don’t remember, but Daddy did a lot of research when he first started looking at what he could do to help you after Maggie died.”
The mention of my sister’s name caused my heart to clinch even more painfully in my chest. Her suicide had been one of the hardest things I had ever gone through.
“When I started looking into bringing another caregiver into our lives, a lot of the research said that the may develop feelings for each other during the journey. I talked with several couples who had taken a similar route and most of them proved the statement true. It isn’t abnormal for you to have feelings for Maddox, baby. You and he might not have a sexual relationship, but you do have a very intimate one,” he explained.
I searched his face for any hint he was upset, but I found none. “S-so…you knew t-this might h-happen?” I sobbed. “And y-you still h-hired him?” Was it because I was too much for Daddy? Was Daddy too tired to deal with me? Had caring for me gotten old?
Daddy cupped my face in both hands and stroked his thumbs over my cheeks. “I did know this might happen. But before that big brain starts to worry about all the things that aren’t true, I want you to understand I will do anything for you, baby. Anything. And that means sharing you with another man if it comes to that. I almost lost you when you lost Maggie and even though I already knew how much I loved you, it opened my eyes to so many things. One of those things was that I will always do everything I can to keep you safe and happy,” he explained, his voice strained with emotion.
I launched myself back into his arms. I continued to sob, but this time it was because I realized how loved I was.
“I love you. I love you,” I cried over and over.
His big, tattooed hands rubbed over my back. “I love you too, baby, so much. We’ll get through this.”
“A-are you going to tell M-Maddox?” I asked.
“I think we should explore the feelings you have,” Daddy answered as he kissed the top of my head.
I was quiet as I thought about it. “What if it makes him sad?”
“What if the fact that a big-hearted, beautiful Little girl he already loves dearly has feelings for him? Oh no! The horror. He might have nightmares for weeks,” Daddy teased, and I found myself smiling.
