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‘It’s all right, Mer. Drink your cocoa. Everything will be all right.’ Avril turned on Lucie. ‘Do you?’ she said with steel in her voice. ‘Do you think it’s a good idea? Then you’ve never lost the man you love.’
‘I haven’t, you’re right,’ Lucie replied. ‘I know about what happened to your husband and I’m truly sorry. Really truly sorry. I knew the name Pengethley rang a bell, so I asked Jamie and we googled it. What happened was tragic. An awful tragedy.’ She stopped and drew in a deep breath. ‘I haven’t lost my husband, Avril, but I know the fear. Every time Jamie goes out, even on a nice calm sunny day, I have the fear there’s a chance he won’t come back to me.’
‘Then why do you let him?’
‘Because it’s what he wants to do. It’s what heneedsto do. Trust me, there have been times when me and the RNLI have fallen out. There have been long evenings when I’ve been at home while Jamie is out training and I’ve resented every second he’s spending at that,’ she hesitated, glancing at Merryn, ‘flamin’station. It even made me hesitate before I married him.’
‘If it causes you so much misery he should stop doing it.’ Avril stared mutinously at the carved wooden nativity on the table.
Lucie sighed. ‘But it’s not that simple, is it? They do it because theyhaveto. It’s like any other emergency service. They have the expertise to go out and save lives. And that’s a good thing. It’s crossed my mind to ask Jamie to give up.’ Lucie shrugged. ‘Part of me is jealous of how much of him it takes up. It’s all-consuming. But he wouldn’t be the man I love and married if he did. He’d only be a shell of my lovely, honourable, brave Jamie. And then maybe, just maybe, I’d stop loving him. So I take the long nights alone, I fill them with things I want to do. I take the waiting for news when he’s on a shout and hope and pray he’ll come back to me.’
Honor stared at Lucie seeing her in a completely new light. Even though she was a good friend, she’d been guilty of writing the girl off as someone who was all about going out and getting drunk on cider. Now a new respect for her was dawning. Underneath all the jokey banter was a woman of steel.
‘And what if he doesn’t, Lucie?’ Avril met the girl’s eyes. ‘What if he doesn’t come back?’
Lucie swallowed. ‘And then I’ll deal with the grief and I’ll know he died doing something he was being incredibly brave at and trying to help someone.’
‘It’s not that easy.’
She shook her head. ‘Never said it was, Avril. Never said it was. But I’d rather have the Jamie I know for the little time he might be with me than have a lifetime with a man who had been prevented from doing the thing he was called to do.’
There was a silence.
‘I lost my husband,’ Avril said, with a barely controlled voice. ‘I lost him on this night a year ago. How could Jago do this to me?’ She put shaking hands up to her face.
‘Mummy?’ Merryn’s lip began to wobble.
Honor moved from her side of the table to Merryn’s and put her arms around the little girl. ‘It’s all right, Merryn. Mummy’s upset. But it’s all going to be all right.’
Avril removed her hands and frowned at her. ‘And I suppose you knew about all of this?’
‘Oh, Avril,’ Honor replied helplessly. ‘I’m so sorry but it wasn’t my news to tell. Jago only told me the other evening. He was planning on telling you, I know he was. I don’t suppose he thought he’d be called up so soon. He mentioned having to retrain first.’
‘It couldn’t be helped tonight,’ Lucie explained. ‘Three car smash on the road into town. Two key volunteers are stuck in the tailback. They’d been visiting family and were on the way back. No one else to call in.’
‘Don’t be cross with Honor and Lucie, Mum. They’re our friends.’
‘Oh, I’m not really cross with them, pumpkin,’ Avril replied, sounding exhausted. ‘I’m cross with your stupid big brother.’
‘Why?’
Avril sucked in an enormous sigh, swallowing her anger. ‘Because he’s joined the lifeboat crew, like your daddy did.’
‘Well, that’s good.’
‘Is it?’ Her mother said, surprised. ‘How come?’
‘He missed it.’
All eyes turned to Merryn. The girl had been staring at them all, listening to proceedings with an avid interest.
‘Why do you say that?’ Avril asked.
‘Any idiot could see it,’ Merryn said, scornfully. ‘He missed it a lot. It was eating away at him like a maggot. Metaphor?’ she asked Honor.
‘Simile,’ Honor answered absent-mindedly. ‘Avril, Jago knew how much it would upset you. He’d agonised over it, but he felt he had to. What Lucie has said about Jamie applies to Jago too. He was trying to find the right time to tell you. He didn’t want to do it before Christmas. He thought the day would be difficult enough as it is. He was saving it until after Boxing Day.’
‘He should have told me,’ Avril sighed again, her anger appearing to deflate into a reluctant acceptance.
