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Her body felt as if it had rusted into place as she stood. A few steps away from the ambulance, Ellie turned one last time. “Please take care of Sam. He loves you all, but sometimes, the pain is too hard, too much of a burden. I know you have a heavy load of your own, but just don’t forget about him.”
“I promise, Ellie. And if your load gets too heavy, we’re here for you, too.”
Ellie stepped away before she allowed herself to crumble. The air was cold as she walked away from it all. It was crisp, but clear and refreshing. It didn’t alleviate the sadness and longing she felt for the man she was leaving behind. With each step, Ellie sent him all her love, and hoped that when everything cleared, just like this winter night, he’d realize how noble he was, and that he was worthy of peace, love, and happiness. With her or without her.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Days followednights in a continuous and soothing cycle. Ellie realized that this new routine grounded her. All those weeks inside the manor, not knowing if she’d see the next day, had built up so much stress and pressure. Working through it had been difficult.
Madge had been all over her when she’d resurfaced, asking questions, but mostly worried about her friend. Ellie remained vague about what had happened, but had talked about Sam, her love for him, the doubts, and the uncertainty over whether she’d ever hold him in her arms again.
Through all the laughing and crying, Ellie realized that Madge had been right the last time they’d talked and decided to see a therapist. It was a revelation to discover the different layers of pain, distress, and abandonment she’d dealt with in her life, and as the cold weather turned into warmer spring temperatures, so did the state of her mind and heart.
Although she’d decided to focus on herself, her thoughts never strayed too far from Sam. As time passed, he remained intertwined with every fiber of her heart. With each passing day, Ellie knew that the chances of seeing him again faded, but to love was to also let go, and she accepted that inevitable fact. It didn’t make it any easier, so she decided to be strong, for him and for herself.
Even with gloomy thoughts knocking at the back of her mind, Ellie wouldn’t listen to them. When she crossed the bridge on her way to work, the water beckoned to her to stop and relax, no longer drawing her to jump.
Chicago slowly emerged into spring, still dirty from the remnants of winter. Ellie worked the day shift now. It helped to steady her, and compensated for other parts of her life where stress couldn’t be avoided. She appreciated walking home when the light was fading, like tonight.
Ellie stopped at an intersection as people milled all around her and couples held hands. It made her smile, even if her heart tightened. Maybe one day she’d be able to put herself out there again. Maybe one of the apartments in this city had someone she could connect with on the same level she had with Sam. Maybe.
Just a few blocks from home, she grabbed a sandwich and salad and added in a piece of chocolate cake, her little indulgence she couldn’t resist.
Back home, Ellie always glanced at her neighbor’s door. Since she’d returned, a new tenant had arrived, a girl named Julie who’d taken the apartment. Bubbly and chatty, she’d just finished studying to be a nurse and worked long hours.
Tonight, Julie seemed to be out as only silence welcomed Ellie to her floor.
She walked into her home, and locked the door behind her with a sigh. Ellie kicked off her shoes and went to take a quick shower. She couldn’t wait to put on her pajamas and slouch on her couch. There was a new series she wanted to watch and a delicious piece of chocolate cake to end her day.
As she was drying off, a creaking sound came from the living room. Ellie froze, listening, as she wrapped herself in a large towel. Since her ordeal, she was oversensitive to unexpected noise. Often, her old building played tricks on her and shifted with the weather. How many times had she jumped out of her bath, ready to strike at an intruder? It took time to lower her level of reaction and stress, something she’d need to work on for the rest of her life. However, it didn’t mean she shouldn’t be careful. Her therapist would probably frown at her for keeping a knife in her bathroom, but Ellie didn’t care. If it brought her some peace, there was no way she’d deny herself. At least she’d turned on the lights on her way in.
Heart pumping and armed, Ellie opened the door only to drop her knife at the sight before her.
“Ellie.”
Sam stood in her living room, filling her small place as well as her heart to the brim.
He’d changed while they’d been apart. His hair was a tad longer, wilder, as if the wind had messed it up. His jaw sported a full beard now and she would swear he appeared larger, as if he’d filled out. Against his tanned skin, his eyes shone like moonlight, much like she recalled.
Dressed in dark jeans and a black leather coat, he drew her like a moth to a flame. There was nothing she wanted more than to go to him, however Ellie remembered the promise she’d made to herself, and to him.
“Ellie.” His voice repeating her name sounded like a siren’s song. A smile stretched his mouth; he looked so handsome. “I wasn’t sure if you still lived here.” He took a few steps toward her. “Your hair is longer.”
Ellie’s hand went to her head. “I’ve been so busy with everything I haven’t thought about my hair.” Anxious, she felt the need to fill the silence, or maybe she wasn’t ready to hear what Sam had come to say. “You look well. Peaceful.”
“I didn’t always feel that way. When you left that night, I wasn’t peaceful. I was so angry at you. And then at myself. To be honest, I was so lost. Like I was drowning in all that pain you kept at bay when I was with you. It took me some time, but I understood, what you meant when you said we needed to find the right way to be together. That’s why I went home.”
One more step, and she was surrounded by his heat. “I can’t change what happened to me but talking to my mother and being alone in the desert forced me to either find a way to live or end it where it all began. I’ll always have a scar, but I don’t want Finch to color the rest of my life.”
Ellie couldn’t speak, her throat had squeezed shut. Sam took a step, and then another, until he towered over her and his large hand cupped her cheek. “I don’t want to be needed, Ellie. My only desire is for you to want me. Because I do want you, Ellie McLaren. When I was alone, I saw you in the stars, in the wind, in every grain of sand. Even under the scorching sun I felt cold because I didn’t have you in my arms. I can survive in this world, but I know I can’t live without you.”
Never before had Ellie been offered such a declaration of love. One that wasn’t made from despair, but purely from the heart. “It’s been hard for me too... You were never far from my thoughts. I want you, Sam, all of you, including your scars and your silver eyes.” She pressed her hand to his chest. “And your heart. If you want me.”
Sam’s mouth descended on hers and she realized she was home. If home had a taste, it would be him.
Tears filled her eyes, but lust made them evaporate the moment he pushed her body against the wall. The want, the searing need, was still there, and had even increased during their time apart. There wasn’t enough air in her lungs. It was like she was drowning, and it didn’t matter as long as Sam touched her, kissed her.
His beard felt like a soft pelt against her cheek, caressing her tender skin as his lips trailed down her neck. “Your skin tastes like I remember. I thought I’d forget it, but in the dead of night, when I was lonely, I’d lick my lips and remember you.”
