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But her boss was far from convinced. “Your biggest fault is your dedication, Ellie. You’re professional to a fault, even beyond your own self-preservation. Don’t get me wrong, you have a heart as big as Chicago, but you’re running on empty, and have been for too long. I worry about you. And not as your boss. I know what kind of work, the damn hard work, that’s done by all of you, but it’s not worth your sanity. Or your life.”
Ellie heard every word, but somehow, it was as if Madge was talking to someone else. She understood, but apart from tiredness, she felt utterly unconcerned, disconnected. The only faint panic she could detect was the implication of not being able to work. Helping people had been her life, what did she have beyond it apart from an unknown void?
Something of how she was feeling must have shown on her face because Madge hurried to her side. “Honey, I’m not giving you the heave-ho. I just want you to take some time off, rest, and eat properly. And most of all, I want you to get help.”
When she shook her head, Madge touched her shoulder. “Think, Ellie. I see you deep in thought, distracted, with a sad smile all the time. You don’t eat or sleep. What would you say to someone describing those symptoms?”
That question slapped her back to reality. “I would suggest they ask for help.”
“Exactly. Go rest for a few days, and I’ll send you the names of a few resources I trust, but you have to call them. Everybody needs someone to bring them back when they are overwhelmed, torn, or lost. It’s human nature. All you have to do is take care of yourself and find your anchor. I swear I’ll keep your position here for when you’re ready to come back. But I’d rather have you back to your old self, Ellie. Strong, smiling, and happy. There’s no need to live with pain.”
It was true, she was adrift and it was impossible for her to figure out what to do next. Madge continued talking, her voice soft and reassuring, but Ellie only felt lost.
Bundled into her winter coat and cap, she was in front of the building again, cold stinging her cheeks, and not quite certain what to do. A thick fog made it more and more difficult to think and tiredness pulled hard at her. Ellie was certain of one thing: she was tired of being tired, of feeling empty most of the time and filled with pain if she dared to think. Even though Madge’s words made sense, they felt so distant and unattainable.
It took at least ten minutes before Ellie realized she’d been walking aimlessly and was a bit lost. The place was busy with people walking, and she could even smell food from one of the nearby restaurants. Her stomach growled in response, but it felt too difficult to even follow her nose.
Madge was right. She wasn’t any good to anyone in this state, not even herself.
Ellie admitted, in the logical side of her mind, that she was spiraling down a dangerous vortex, but she couldn’t find a piece of her that cared.
She walked, draining energy she no longer had. In her wanderings, she reached the bridge on 35th Street. It wasn’t on her way home, but she leaned against the rail to look at the ice floating slowly over the water.
That frozen waltz of ice felt almost soothing, pulling at her. Madge’s words echoed in her head, telling her that if she was a boat on that river, she’d be adrift without an anchor. Or maybe she would sink.
As if in a trance, it took a moment for her to detect the vibration of her phone in the pocket of her coat. The way her hands shook when she took it out, and how she couldn’t feel her fingers, annoyed her more than frightened her in her current condition.
She saw the same unknown number on her screen. The mysterious caller from New Year’s Eve. Ellie had very few callers and telemarketers had all but forgotten her existence. It was an easy guess as to who was on the other end of the line.
In a sea of gray and a bottomless well of tiredness and indifference, a tinge stirred in an almost forgotten part of herself. A sprout of curiosity. Why was he calling her now? And why did she care?
Her finger hovered over the button, the cold forgotten as her heart skipped a beat. Madge had asked her to find an anchor to help her take another step. What if curiosity was reason enough?
Chapter Three
“Hello?”
How could such a simple word almost bring him to his knees? After following Ellie the moment she emerged from her work, Sam had stayed invisible. If possible, the frail woman had been even paler than he’d expected, but the way she walked aimlessly in the harsh winter cold made him worry. His instincts fired up when she stopped by the river bridge and looked intently at the frigid waters.
Sam knew he had to act. Close to rushing to her, he decided to call instead.
Getting his voice under control, Sam allowed himself to respond. “Hello. I’m glad I finally reached you. You’re a very busy woman.”
It was difficult to keep the reproach from his tone. He had to remind himself that while he worried for the strange woman, she didn’t owe him anything.
The voice that answered him was faint, almost ethereal, as if she’d already headed elsewhere. “It’s you again. I know you tried to call me before.”
The tension that had gathered in his shoulders slowly dissolved when he saw Ellie McLaren move away from the parapet. “And you didn’t answer me.”
“Did you make a mistake in dialing your brother again?”
Sam smiled as she ignored his accusation. He also made sure to stay hidden without letting her out of his sight. “I couldn’t forget the sadness in your voice when you hung up on me. It’s the only reason I persisted. I want nothing from you, just the reassurance that you’re all right.”
On the other end of the line, Sam could hear the wind and the faint sound of cars passing by. She was too far away for him to clearly see her expression, so he had to wait for her words.
“On your part, you sounded grumpy, impatient.”
Sam saw her resume walking, slowly moving away from the bridge. “You realize you’re ignoring my question. But you’re right, I’m not a gentleman.”
