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I shook my head, angrily. “No,” I said. “It’s me.”
“What do you mean?” he prompted.
“I mean that I’m the problem,” I said, my voice tight. “Not you, not the whole forced-abduction-to-your-deluxe-bat-cave schtick, none of that. Me.”
“I fail to see any problem,” he said. “On the contrary.”
I let out a harsh laugh. “Oh, but you will. I promise, you will.”
He waited, a long, careful pause. “Tell me about that,” he said evenly.
I shook my head. “It’s just that I’m bad at it.”
He gave me a blank look. “Bad at…you mean—”
“Yes. Yes, that is exactly what I mean. Bad at sex. It’s not like I’m asexual, or anything. I am definitely not asexual. Things would be easier if I were. But I just…it just does not work for me.”
“Why not?” he asked gently.
I threw up my hands, then grabbed the railing again. “I’m too tense,” I said. “Too anxious. If anyone tries to touch me, I slap his hand away. And after a while, that puts a real damper on the sexytime, let me tell you. Remember when I practically drove my high heel through that asshole Clemens’ eye this morning? It’s like that with all the guys. Even if they aren’t assholes.”
“Are you a virgin?” He sounded curious, fascinated. Not put off.
“No,” I admitted, embarrassed. “I’ve done the deed, in a matter of speaking, but it was never an event that I or any of my lovers wanted to repeat. I’m too guarded, too tightly wound. As far as I can tell, you have to let down your guard to make sex work, and I just can’t. So it always goes to shit.” I looked away, hoping he couldn’t hear the quiver in my throat.
But he just shifted, until he was standing next to me. Almost making contact.
“I touched you, today,” he said. “Several times. I lived to tell the tale.”
“Yeah? I hope you put some antibiotic ointment on that ear. I’d really hate to see it fester. Human bites are nasty that way.”
He laughed, putting his hand to his ear. “I disinfected it. No worries.”
“It’s a bad idea, Ethan. I would disappoint you. And I would probably make you feel bad about your sex game, which would be unfair, since I am sure it is perfectly amazing. True thing. I am not the girl you think I am. Too much baggage.”
Now he was even closer. Usually, I would be cringing away from that much closeness, but I was almost tempted to lean in to his warmth.
“Tell me about your baggage,” he urged. “I’m curious.”
I let out a crack of bitter laughter. “Hell, no. Talk about unsexy.”
“Everything you do is sexy. You won’t disappoint me.”
“Hah. Just give me time.”
“All the time you need,” he said smoothly. He laid his hand on mine.
Instead of the usual knee-jerk flinch, I just felt a whole-body shiver. A shuddering, knee-weakening rush of sweet, startling heat—and anticipation.
This was unprecedented. This yearning. To know him, to be known. His hand was so warm on mine. He leaned closer, those gorgeous dark eyes looking right into the fathomless black hole that was my life, and not flinching from it.
Abruptly, my paranoia shifted from being afraid of the sad non-event that sex would inevitably be if I couldn’t let down my guard.
Suddenly, I was terrified of where I might end up if I found that I could.
CHAPTER9
Ethan
