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I dropped my head in my hands and looked at my sister through my fingers. “Is it that obvious?”
Brecken reached across the little table, drawing one of my hands away from my face and gently squeezing it in her own. “Only to me,” she said encouragingly. “You're my sister, I can read you better than anybody. When did this happen?”
I blew out of breath and cast my mind back over the last three months I'd been with Crossland. When had I fallen for him?
“I’m not sure of the exact moment,” I said. “It's like little instances over the last three months when he’s given me pieces of himself that nobody else has ever seen before. It's the times where we’re laughing all day, just enjoying each other 's company instead of upholding some rules we laid out in the beginning. He's everything I never knew I wanted. Funny and smart and just cocky enough to pull off every smirk, every bold claim. And he cares,” I said, my eyes glittering. “He cares about those around him. He's a genuinely good man.”
“Then tell him,” she said. “Why wouldn't you just tell him? He obviously cares about you too or he wouldn't be in this situation.”
“I'm afraid,” I admitted, even as pathetic as it sounded. “What if I tell him, and he says that everything that’s happenedthe last three months has just been part of the contract. It's just been some role he's immersed himself in, a fun little challenge in order to win a bet against one of his best friends?”
“Do you really think he'll say that?” Brecken tilted her head.
I shook my head. “No, I don't think so. He's not cruel. He's never once been cruel to me. It's just a fear I have. The more realistic fear of mine is that when I meet him for dinner tonight, he’ll either thank me for my service, saying that he isn't the monogamist type and he doesn't want things to continue unless it's in a super casual way, or...” I swallowed hard, the real and true crux of my fear bubbling to the surface.
“Or?” Brecken urged me to continue.
“Or,” I continued. “Tonight at dinner he'll present me with another contract. An extension of our time together with rules laid out for another ruse, complete with more money and more bonuses as long as I continue to uphold my role as an employee in his life.”
“Speaking from somebody who has been studying family law, I can attest that contractual relationships, while unconventional, can be beneficial for both parties. And especially protect the assets each one has.”
“I don't have any assets,” I said.
“Clearly you do, or he wouldn't have entered into a contract with you in the first place.”
“I don't want another contract,” I said. “I just want him. I want him so badly that I'm afraid if hedidoffer an extension to the contract, I would take it despite knowing it's not what I genuinely want. And that scares me most of all. What I’m willing to do in order to keep him in my life.”
Brecken nodded, understanding shaping her features. “Then you have to tell him. There's no other way around it.”
“That simple, huh? Just lay my heart on the table and hope he doesn't rip it to shreds? You know I'm not good at that.”
“I know,” she said. “But he isn't our parents. He isn't the exes you've had. He's nothing like any of those people who have taken your compassion for granted and used it against you. If he was, you wouldn't have lasted this long. You wouldn't be sitting here agonizing over this dinner tonight. You wouldn't have introduced him to me.”
She wasn't wrong. I never introduced her to any of my other exes, some part of me never fully trusting them enough with something as precious as my little sister. But I had introduced her to Crossland, which had to count for something.
Some buried instinct inside of me that told me it would be okay. That it wouldn't end badly. But even knowing that, even feeling that in the very marrow of my bones, I couldn't imagine putting myself out there completely for him to crush.
“What if he feels the same way?” she asked. “What if he's with one of his friends right now, having the same exact conversation we're having? What if he’s worried that you're only in it for the money? What if he's worried that tonight at dinner you're going to ask for more money in exchange for more time?”
“I would never,” I quickly said. “Honestly, I'm already feeling awkward enough as it is about the money situation at the end of all this. If I didn't need it so badly, I would tell him to keep it.”
“I know,” she said. “But you signed a contract, Aspen. You fulfilled your obligation and now that paycheck is due. But the next decisions are up to you both. You just have to talk to him; it shouldn't be this difficult.”
I sighed, laughing a little darkly at myself. “You're right,” I said. “It really shouldn't be this complicated. But it's me and it's my history and it's all the instincts screaming at me to protect my heart at all costs. Instincts that failed me the minute Crossland and I blurred the lines between fake relationship and casually intimate friends.”
“I get that,” she said. “Probably better than anybody. I know that you've been betrayed one too many times by people you were supposed to trust. But honestly, wouldn't it be better to know now? If he is going to do that to you?”
“I guess you're right,” I said. “Doesn't make me any less terrified.”
Brecken squeezed my hand again. “You're the strongest person I've ever met,” she said. “The last thing I want is for you to get hurt, but then if anybody can survive it, it's you. And then in the end, it would be much better to know than to continue living in a perpetual state of unknown.”
“When did you get so insightful?” I said, swiping at the two tears that had escaped.
Brecken laughed, shrugging. “I learned by watching you.”
My heart expanded in my chest, and I got out of my seat, rounding the table so I could hug her. My baby sister was no longer a little girl I had to take care of. Although I would always take care of her, she was her own person, her own woman, crafting her own future that was genuinely so damn beautiful. I didn't know how I'd gotten so lucky to get a sister like her.
“I love you,” I said, finally releasing her from my near suffocating hug.
