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“And what if I tell her? What if I tell her everything I've told you guys, and she laughs in my face?”
“Then she laughs in your face,” Gareth said. “And you move on.”
I studied my friend, noting the way he kept glancing over his shoulder as if he expected Serenity to come back any moment. It looked like not knowing if she was okay was driving him nuts.
“So, you're saying that it's worth it? The possibility of getting rejected just to know?”
“Yes,” Asher, Weston, and Ethan said at the same time.
“I'm pretty sure you said something similar to me,” Ethan added. “When I was floundering.”
“I'm not floundering. I'mdrowning,” I admitted.
“Then fight,” Asher said. “If you tell her everything, and she tells you that she needs space, then you respect it. But at least then you'll know that you did everything you could.”
I nodded, the advice of my friends sinking in. Even if shedidreject me, I guess a final break would be better than the constant agonizing.
“I’m done with cards,” I said, shoving away from the table.
“I think we’re all done,” Asher said.
“Want to go get a drink?” Ethan asked.
There was a collective nod.
As much as I wanted to call Aspen and beg for some time to talk, it was already late in the evening, and the last thing I wanted her to think was that I was hoping for some late-night action.
I’d call her tomorrow, and hope that she’d give me the time I needed to lay my heart on the line.
CHAPTER 19
Aspen
For the longest time I'd prided myself on being a survivor. Therapy had helped me learn that my survival instincts ran deep, and that there was nothing I couldn't overcome. But somehow, these last two weeks had felt like hell. I'd never experienced heartbreak like this before, never experienced this kind of longing before, and I had beenunableto snap myself out of the wallowing cycle.
Crossland had not only tried to reach out, but he’d tried topayme for the contract. And while I still needed the money, I didn't want it. Not from him. Because our time together didn't really feel like a business transaction. It felt more like the best time I'd ever had in my life.
A time I'd never been happier.
I’d told him I needed space, and that was absolutely true.
But now that I'd taken that time, I felt like I might have blown it.
He hadn't reached out in days, and I’d stayed away from the news and social media outlets, terrified that I’d see him with somebody else. Even with a city as big as New York, I was scared of running into him while he was dating somebody new.
Sure, it had only been two weeks, but the Crosslandbeforeme? He barely waited two days before moving on to the next partner. And while I knew he was a good man, I couldn’t blame him if hedidmove on.
I was a complicated person still dealing with trauma I thought I’d long since healed from. I'd taken a really shitty night and made it worse when I left with Brecken that day. I thought it would be under the guise of protecting him, but really, I'd been protecting myself.
Protecting myself from the shame and embarrassment that my parents had once again brought on me. Protecting myself from having to feel unworthy. Even though Crossland never made me feel that way. Not once.
It was all on me.
And to make matters worse, Brecken had called me earlier today to tell me that the account balance on her school account had been cleared. Not only for this year but for the next five.
Crossland may have conceded to me rejecting his transfer into my bank account, but he'd taken matters into his own hands and paid off the rest of Brecken’s tuition.
And how the hell was I supposed to thank him for that? Especially after the complete ass I'd made of myself that night?
