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“She was so irreverent and spunky, and so she vehemently debated almost every word out of my mouth. I missed her when the class was over. I approached the TA and lied, saying I had her sweater and needed to find her to return it. I got her cell number. I was so nervous about making that first call. I asked her out; we bantered, fought, and fucked. Then I fell in love. Three years later, we were married and pregnant. I brought her here on the weekends. She was a teaching assistant at the college and had such a heavy workload I wanted her to be free of distractions … other than me, of course. I made sure I was a pretty convincing distraction. Anyway … I haven’t had anyone up here since her death.” I halted the story there, though I knew it wouldn’t be enough.
“She sounds like she was a wonderful person. I probably would have liked her.” Kylie’s smile lit up the room.
“Guaranteed you both would have loved each other. She was very much like you, independent, strong-willed, beautiful, but the two of you are also so very different, apart from being pregnant.” I took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry … I hope I’m not …” Poor thing was struggling for the right approach.
“You are, and you’re not. Life continues … doesn’t it? We were here when she got sick. She was four months pregnant, and we found out that day we were having a girl. She wanted to tell our neighbors, who she’d grown close to, the good news since neither of us spoke much to our families. We went from being happy and excited to the emergency room. She lost the baby that night.” God, I could barely continue.
“Oh, my God!” Kylie covered her hand over her mouth as her eyes welled up. “I am so sorry.”
“We came home really late, and she slept the whole next day. I didn’t know what to do for her. I thought it best just to let her sleep. The following day I got her out of bed, and even though she didn’t want to get up, I made her. I took her out on the boat; she loved to fish, so we did some fishing, though she wasn’t into it. We screened a movie in our theater. I’ve yet to show you around the house, but we have a state-of-the-art home theater. Somewhere during the movie, she got really sick and started throwing up. She had a high fever and wouldn’t stop convulsing. I called an ambulance, and we went back to the hospital, but by that time the infection had entered her blood and her brain. She was septic, and the doctors were never able to get her stabilized. She went into a coma that night and died the next morning.” I had never told anyone that story outside of Christian.
People at my office thought she might have committed suicide after she lost the baby. I never said she didn’t. No one but the medical examiner needed to know her cause of death. I didn’t share the information because I felt responsible for her loss. I shouldn’t have made her get out of bed that first day. I should have known she was sick. If I had gotten her to the hospital on time, she would have lived.
The truth was, I was too angry and disappointed to care for her properly.
I was mourning the loss of my daughter. I didn’t even think that I should have been stronger for Ava, that perhaps she needed me more than my grief did.
Kylie looked down at the shirt she was wearing, and tears dripped from her eyes.
“I shouldn’t be wearing this.”
“Kylie, it’s not your fault she’s gone. It’s a different experience this time around. Ava is in heaven, you’re here. I’m not going to hurt you so that I can remember her. That shirt made us happy. I want it to make you smile. I get the feeling that you haven’t really had the chance to celebrate the fact that you are going to be a mommy.”
I was glad to stop talking about Ava and the guilt I bore for her death.
Redirecting my attention to the present and Kylie was a much-needed diversion from my sadness and guilt.
“It’s all been so overwhelming,” Kylie said under her breath. “I’m not sure how to feel.”
“I would like to draw a truce, Kylie.” I didn’t want to let her get the upper hand, but I was also tired of us not really trusting one another.
“Are we at war?” She laughed a little, and I was happy to see some of her lightheartedness return.
“No, but at times we are at odds. We are going to be married soon. I have a contract that you need to sign, and we’ll be meeting a whirlwind of obligations, yet when it’s just the two of us, I want you to let your guard down, at least enough so I can peek over it and see you from time to time. In return, I promise to show my softer side. I like fucking you; we hopefully can keep doing that, but I’d also like to know the Kylie no one else sees, except maybe your female bodyguards …” I hoped she knew I was being as real as I could be.
