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His concern is fake. Clay had never shown any interest in my painting. He called it a hobby, and when the money started rolling in, he shrugged and dismissed it as a nice hobby. He worked as a marketer for a pharmaceutical company. A serious job compared to my little hobby.
It hits me now how many differences we’d had, and I briefly wondered how we managed to stay married for three years. We were such different people.
“Why do you care?” I say and suddenly feel drained. “Please just go.”
I feel no anger or resentment toward him. He is just someone I used to know. Someone I once liked. Now I feel nothing for him.
“We belong together, Mila,” he says.
I meet his stare. His dark intense eyes glower back unblinking. Something dances in them. Something wild. Mad. A stab of fear courses through my veins. I shake myself out of it. Clay is selfish, not dangerous. He would never harm me. Still, I take a step back into the house.
“Please leave,” I say, hating the fear that creeps into my voice. I need to be alone right now. I try to close the door. Something jams it. Clay’s foot.
“I made a mistake, Mila,” he says, his voice taking on a desperate tone. “People make mistakes, and they get forgiven, why can’t you forgive me?”
My hands tremble as I try to push the door.
“Will you think about it?” he says, leaning against the door.
I nod. Anything to get him to go away. He does, and I bang the door in his face. I peer through the keyhole and jump back when I come up against his face close to the door. He stands there, looking at the door, and I’m frightened that he’ll try to break in.
I tell myself I’m being silly.
I run upstairs to my studio, sit down, and wait for my breath to return to normal. When it does, I pick up my phone, and with shaking fingers, speed dial Jessica’s number.
“Please tell me you’re doing something that normal adults do at this time of day,” Jessica says by way of greeting.
In the background, I hear children’s laughter and shouts. It reminds me of Clay’s words about children. A shiver goes through me.
“Mila?” Jessica says. “Are you all right?”
“Kind of,” I say and then proceed to tell her about Clay’s visit.
She knows him well. Her husband and Clay are cousins. That’s how I met him. Double dating with my best friend and her husband. I know Jessica feels bad about that, but no one could have predicted that two people so smitten with one another could end up divorced in less than three years.
“You need to get a restraining order against him,” Jessica fumes over the phone.
“It’s the first time he’s come around,” I tell her.
“It won’t be the last. I can’t believe he thinks there’s a chance you would take him back after what he did.”
“I’m so tempted to go away,” I say. “Someplace where it’s hot throughout the year and where no one knows me.” The fantasy grows in my head. “I’d forget about painting for a while and just be someone else.”
“Have a hot affair,” Jessica quips.
“Yes, a hot Adonis with eyes for no one but me,” I add with a giggle.
“And fall in love,” Jessica says.
I snap back to the present. “Why do you have to spoil my fantasy?” I pout. “You know that’s out of the cards for me. I’m not averse to an affair, though.”
“You don’t have the temperament for it,” Jessica says. “You’re the romantic type of woman. Happy ever after and all that—the best kind of woman.”
“I used to be. Not anymore. I’m done with marriage and relationships and all that soppy stuff.”
“Now that is sad,” Jessica says.
It’s difficult for someone who has never been hurt to imagine the damage a man does when he leaves you for another woman. The dent to a person’s self-esteem. The pain that comes in waves, never completely leaving. The proof that you’re not good enough and will never be.That there will always be another woman who is sexier, better than you. That is the kind of pain I will never allow myself to go through again. I don’t expect Jessica, with a man who worships the ground she walks on, and three sweet boys that think the sun shines from their mother’s rear end, to understand.
“Don’t let that worthless piece of shit spoil love for you. There are good men out there, Mila. You only need to find him.”
My lungs constrict, making it hard to breathe. “Let’s talk about something else.”
“Like your upcoming trip,” Jessica says, her voice cheerful.
I love her for that. Her ability to know when to move on to less painful topics. She always knows when to push me and when to back off.
