AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Cuba
He painted again. At least this time, instead of stark white walls, they are now a pale yellow. Oliver says it’s supposed to be calming but it’s not. It’s irritating if anything. It’s been another week post Bliss and I’m annoyed, except at practice, once the ball gets in my hand it gives me some peace, but then I’m alone again, and I can’t reach out to her. Maybe I should go out with the guys and find a groupie or two. Hell, I can pull a girl walking to class, but I haven’t. For the most part, I ignore the attention and walk to class with my headphones on, half of the time I’m not playing music, I just don’t want anyone to talk to me. Word got around that not only am I back on campus, I’m back on the court too. It seems like chicks are coming out of the woodwork to get me to look their way. I don’t want them, they think they know me, but only one girl does, and I ruined that.
“You seem to be lost in thought.” Oliver taps his pen against his notebook. “Care to share?”
He knows damn well I don’t care to share but I take a deep breath and lean back in the chair. “I feel like things are getting back on track, but something doesn’t feel right, something is missing.”
“Of course, you’re starting your life without Jackson, it’s going to take some getting used to.” He nods in understanding. “How is basketball going?”
That’s not it, I frown. “It’s going as well as it can go. I’m still earning my teams trust.”
Oliver tilts his head to the side. “There is something else bothering you it seems.”
Chewing the inside of my cheek, I nod. “I told Bliss about Jackson and rehab.”
His eyebrows go up slightly in surprise. “That’s a big step, letting her in.”
“Yeah, I know.” I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “But I shut her out right after. I left while she was asleep. She deserves better.”
He frowns and writes something down on his notepad. “And why do you think she deserves better?”
Sitting back, I snort. “I’m an emotional wreck. I can’t even admit that I miss her.”
Oliver grins. “You just did.”
I shake my head. “No, I can’t admit it to her. She wanted more, and you know what I did?” He shakes his head. “I left when she was asleep because I couldn’t look in her in the eyes when I said goodbye. What kind of boyfriend would I even be?”
For the first time Oliver drops his notepad. “And you decided this for her, that she is better off without you?”
My eyes narrow. “Yes, like I said, what kind of boyfriend would I be?” I grit out. “We both know I’m not ready.”
“No, only you think that,” he counters softly. “You are ready but you’re trying to convince yourself that you aren’t.” He sighs. “Cuba, you’re too hard on yourself. Look at you, you’re back on the team, which you never thought would happen.”
“Because of her,” I say defeated.
He just gives me a look as if to say, “I told you”.
The rest of session, we go on to talk about Jackson’s parents and how his mom is still trying to reach me. I only take on one task at a time. I know my parents told them I was back on the team. Do they feel betrayed? Are they upset? I will talk to them eventually, I just can’t right now.
Jackson,
I saw her again today. She didn’t see me of course, well, I don’t think she did, at least. Oliver thinks I should talk to her, but I don’t see the point. Anyways between me, you, and now Oliver, I miss her. More than I should. Maybe I’ll get up the nerve to talk to her, shit, or at least text her. Man, I wish you were here, you would know what to say. Cam would rather troll me and Ash is anti-females right now. Oh, and I saw Priscilla, I’ve been avoiding her. She’s going to want to talk about you, go down fucking memory lane and I rather not. I’m an asshole, I know. Basketball is going well, feels good to be out there on the court again, man, living out our dream. I’m doing it for us and Bliss is right it makes me feel closer to you. I miss you, man.
-C
I lean back on the sofa, lighting a joint, and inhaling deeply. Thinking about what my therapist was saying a few days ago. I saw her the day after, coming out of her class. She was just as beautiful as ever, dressed in jeans and a teal hoodie, her hair pulled up in a ponytail. Her face make-up free, but she looked sad. I wondered if that was because of me. I tell myself there is no way I caused that much of an impact on her, but something keeps nagging me that it is.
I have no idea what I’m doing, I’ve never been in a relationship that wasn’t purely sexual. What if I fuck it up? Then she will really hate me. Why is this so difficult? I just need get my feelings together and put them into words of some sort. Yeah, I could recite them over and over and still be a complete asshole to her.
I prefer the asshole. I hear her voice.
I can give her the asshole, but I want to give her more, I want to be a kinder asshole, only for her though.
