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“On the last day, Lila asked me to go for a walk. I agreed because it had been so long since she asked me to do anything. Since we’d even spoken to each other. As we walked along the river, she kept stopping to pick up stones. I thought that was a good sign…she used to collect flowers and shells and pretty stones to fill jars to decorate our house.
“When we got back to our yard, she said,I’m going to walk a little longer…
“I let her go and went back inside the house. An hour later, I started to get worried…I went looking for her…”
I can’t finish. My head hangs down. All I can see is Lila, face down in the river, her dark hair tangled with weeds and branches, her pockets full of stones…
“It’s my fault,” I repeat. “All my fault. And that’s why I don’t care that everybody thinks I killed her. I did fucking kill her. I fucked up our relationship, and then I fucked up again when she needed me most. And I didn’t keep James safe, which means I’m no kind of father at all. He deserved better. They both did.”
“Maybe they did,” Remi says, lifting her head, looking into my eyes. “But so do you, Dane. You deserve better, too.”
“Why?” I cry, my voice cracking. “How could I deserve anything good after what I did?”
“Because you’re human.” Her eyes fix on mine, clear as the sea. “And humans make mistakes. Every single one of us. Isn’t that what you told me? How many waves are in the ocean?”
“Infinite,” I murmur.
“And how many mistakes will we make?”
“Infinite.”
“We can’t change the past,” Remi says, calm and clear. “We can only change what we do now.”
Her arms are wrapped tightly around me still. She hasn’t let go.
I told her the truth, and she hasn’t let go.
She’s still here with me, holding me, accepting me, in spite of it all.
And maybe I don’t deserve this comfort…
But I need it so fucking bad.
I need it so much, I almost don’t tell her the last thing, the thing that matters most of all…
But like I told Remi, I’m trying not to be such a piece of shit anymore.
“I was afraid,” I tell her. “Afraid to admit that Lila and I were hurting each other. Afraid to see how bad it was getting. Paralyzed from acting until it was too late…I said you were like me, Remi, butdon’tbe like me—do you understand?”
I hold her by the shoulders, looking into her eyes. Looking at the real, essential part of Remi, the part that sees me, too.
She gazes back at me, nodding slowly. “You’re saying…don’t be afraid of the truth.”
“No matter how ugly it might be.”
* * *
31
REMI
Iexpect the sheriff’s death to rock Grimstone—and it certainly is the topic of gossip with the townies everywhere I go. But I underestimated how much power the hoteliers have and how good they are at hushing up anything that might turn away tourists.
The speed at which they install a new sheriff and send him around to have a “chat” with me is nothing less than spectacular. By two days after Halloween, they’ve made it perfectly clear that they’ll ignore the shady circumstances of Sheriff Shane’s stabbing and the disappearance of my ex-boyfriend as long as I keep my mouth shut about any “unpleasant interactions” I might have had with local law enforcement.
I can’t tell if I’m getting a good deal or completely fucked.
“And either way, this is so messed up!” I tell Dane. “What about Gideon?”
