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I really am so fucking blind.
At least, when it comes to him.
I thought of the discrepancies as fishhooks in my brain, but really, it was a poison dagger at the root of my tree. And every day, the poison spread until all the leaves were black with deception.
A relationship is only as strong as its trust.
I loved Jude. But did I ever trust him?
I couldn’t trust Gideon, and I was easily fooled.
But Dane and I built trust, slowly and surely, as we learned to be honest with each other. We fucked up, we made mistakes, but he didn’t hurt me and I didn’t hurt him. We took care of each other.
Jude said he loved me…but where was the proof? What did he ever do to show me? Buy me an ice cream? Set up a movie?
He lied to me. He didn’t keep his commitments. He didn’t help me when I needed him. He let me do all the work.
I didn’t see it because I didn’t want to see it - my brother never loved me at all.
Love is action.
Love is trust.
It’s not words…because words can be lies.
My brother doesn’t love me.
After everything I did for him, all the times I put him first…
He still doesn’t love me.
The truth fucking hurts.
I feel it now, the pain of that truth rolling over me like a tsunami—cold, black, and crushing.
I let it hit me, again and again and again, not fighting against it, not drowning in it…simply waiting for it to settle.
Because I’ve finally learned…
The truth hurts, but it won’t harm you.
It’s lies that injure and destroy.
Jude’s hand shifts slightly within his pocket.
“I was counting on you staying oblivious a little longer,” he says. “At least until the renovations were finished. But you’ve done enough for me to make some money, I bet—god knows I won’t be wasting it on college.”
“So you don’t need me anymore.”
“I guess not,” Jude says, and he pulls a pistol from his pocket and points it at my face.
* * *
35
DANE
At one o’clock in the morning, water begins to spread across the entryway of Blackleaf. I watch on my phone screen as Remi’s barefooted figure comes hurrying down the stairs, turning into the dining room, and then reemerging a few minutes later, splashing across the shallow lake toward the kitchen.
