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The details shouldn’t matter, but they do because they mean a thousand different cuts behind my back, a poison I never saw, but it ran all through my blood. That must have been the reason for the emptiness between us. Silences that felt so bleak. It must, it must, because otherwise it should have worked…
“I didn’t leave him because of that.” I’m admitting it all now, why not? I really don’t like pretending. “I had to find a condom, a used condom, on my side of the bed… Like, I had to hold it up to the light before I’d believe it. And that’s fucking embarrassing. I should have known the first time I found lipstick on his clothes. That only happens one way. The other ‘reasons’ I invented are ridiculous.”
Dane smiles slightly and almost laughs—his breath comes out with that kind of a sound.
I wince. He notices and reaches out to rest his hand on my forearm.
“I’m only laughing because I’m the same. Everyone’s the same—when we’re being irrational.”
Irrational.
That word has a certain bell-like sound.
I sit up, palms pressing against the floor.
“What is it?” Dane says.
“Did you—are you—“
I’m not even sure what I was thinking a second ago. It was all so clear and then it faded…
True thoughts come back.
What was I thinking?
Irrational…
Right. The word irrational…it’s wrong, it’s not what I want to be. But it’s not as imposing as a word like “mad” or “crazy.” You could neverreallytrust a crazy person, could you? Like, you might love them and have them as a friend, but would you…leave them alone with your newborn baby?
No, admit it. You wouldn’t.
But someone who’s irrational or who had been irrational once or twice…that’s everyone. That’s not so awful.
I could admit if I’d been irrational.
And I could try to change.
Maybe someone who’d gone mad could never truly be sane, but I could be rational. If all I’d been before was irrational.
“He was cheating on me, and it took me way too long to admit it.”
I say the whole thing out loud, low and distinct. It’s pulling out a sliver of glass—fucking hurts, but then…less.
It was so much worse when it was still inside, cutting.
Dane nods like he understands.
“Did you…was your wife—“
“No.” His smile is flat and without humor. “Our problems were between us.”
However he meant that, it doesn’t invite further questions.
This feels one-sided. I’m back to distrusting him; I don’t like the imbalance.
“I don’t want you hypnotizing me again. What was I thinking? That must have been part of a complete breakdown—we barely know each other.”
“Barely know each other…”Dane makes a disdainful sound. “Don’t act like you believe that.”
