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“Oh, trust me, it is.”
Dane lets that pass though I can tell from the tension in his jaw he’s holding something back. But he presses on, wanting to finish his story because it probably hurts like fuck to get it all out.
“Lila was the darling of this town. Her father was the mayor, her mother ran the historical foundation. They were Grimstone’s Kennedys, and they weren’t at all happy when their only child became infatuated with the town freak.”
“Don’t call yourself that,” I say, as fierce as Dane when I talk shit about myself.
“Everyone else does.”
“I don’t give a shit—you and me aren’t going to agree with them.”
“Lila could have had anyone. She could go anywhere, do anything she liked, but she chose me. And at first, she seemed happy with her choice. But it started to wear on her, like it would wear on anyone. And for Lila, it was worse because freedom was everything to her. She hated restraint. And that’s what I am—a ball and chain in the daylight hours.”
I can see it now—the deep root of the self-loathing Dane tries so hard to hide. Just like Dane, I see myself in him—the part of me that fears I’m just not good enough. Not good enough to get what I so desperately long for. Not good enough to deserve to be loved.
“Our fighting got worse and uglier. And then it stopped because Lila was depressed. She’d been depressed before but never like this. Never so dark or so long. And then…she told me she was pregnant.”
I remember what Rhonda told me—He never wanted that baby.
Unbidden, I ask, “Were you excited?”
“No.” Dane shakes his head. “I was terrified.”
“Why?”
He hesitates, and again his eyes flick back to the house.
“Because we weren’t in a good place,” he says, at last. “And most of all, because I worried our son would be like me. I didn’t want to put that curse on a child.”
“And…was he?”
Dane drops my gaze, staring down at the ground.
“We never found out. He died of meningitis.”
His head hangs down. He’s not touching me anymore, his hands limp at his sides.
“I’m so sorry.”
His exhale is like a last breath. “I never want that pain again. I thought it would kill me. It should have.”
I don’t say it out loud, but I don’t see a future with kids, either. I feel like I already raised one with Jude. But that doesn’t mean my heart isn’t ripping for Dane. I’ve loved Jude like a son and a brother and the only person I’ve had for half my life—I think I can imagine what it would feel like to lose him.
And for a doctor to lose a child to an illness—no wonder Dane feels so much guilt.
“Then a month later…Lila drowned.”
Now Dane’s voice is more than miserable. Each syllable weighs like a stone on my chest.
“And the whole town decided I killed her. Every day I wanted to join her and my son…the only reason I didn’t is because I knew everyone else would take it as proof of my guilt.” He gives a hollow laugh. “I stayed alive out of spite.”
I take his hand. For the first time, it’s cold in mine. I lift it to my lips to warm it.
“I’m glad you did.”
Dane looks at me. There’s so much pain in his face.
God, he was right. We are the same.
